Monday * July 31th
Wow. Today was weird. The surreal-ness of this past weekend has yet to left me. Actually, I just don't want to let go of it. This may very well mark the height of my summer.
There's going to be another mid-point that exists in the remaining month of summer, and in that remaining half there shall be another half-point. Meaning at the end of every high point, there must be another high to look forward to.
Things don't have to be practical, they just have to make you think. It just so happens that the things that make you think most are also quite practical.
Friday was the most hectic day at the camp so far this summer. Human Traffic was great, so was The Seven Samurai, saw it with Anibal by fluke. Despite the large number of people there, I had a good time. Andrew's just so damn cheery all the time. And today, I went to school, played with all the new iMac DVs that have arrived, and played chess with Patrick all day while we wait for Network Assistant to do all the work for us.
Now that my lust for life is back, so has my guilty conscience. I gotta get back to my reading and music. Especially my composition. I'm going to kick myself if I don't have at least one piece totally completed by the end of this month.
Tonight's one of those evenings when I wish tomorrow would never come; I had completely forgotten about Ken's trip even though he's brought it up a few times, Frank remains ignorant and thick headed about reality, and the continual struggle to become someone who I like and someone who my parents would like is driving me mad. I'm spending more and more time away from them, little by little they're loosing their grip. But evertime something calls, and if i feel that it is dutiful of me to answer, I will.
Just lately, I feel like I've been ignoring everything outside of "duty", such as loves, interests, wants, needs, wishes.
And I feel really, really, bad. No smiles tonight.
Today, I just want to spin around, and forget about gravity; make believe that my feet would lift off from the ground if I twirled around fast enough. Feeling strangely high today.
And I'm glad to know that some people use antiperspirant on their ass. Sometimes it's that extra touch that lets you get to know someone better. Like fishing. Yeah.
Talk about screwing up plans, argh. Missed RHPS, but discovered that Human Traffic, Seven Samurai, and Heavy Metal 2000 are all playing at bloor next week! Woke up at 5am by a phone call, about pre-arrangements that apparently my mom knew about, but that I didn't. However, saw the coolest chemical lab ever at Queen's, and on impulse went out fishing in a canoe. Cadenced with a great drive home. None of the above, was planned.
So there's the beauty in chaos.
Am I going into friend-withdrawal? I don't know, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I honestly haven't been talking to them often enough to get their feedback on that topic.
But right now, I'd give anything to take a trip down to Vancouver, attend CORP, shoot some zombies and go out for some coffee.
I hope this wasn't what the buhddists considered to be "detachment". Sometimes I find myself just not caring about the things that I should (a feeling that I should anyway), and then for a moment, I would be unsure of my ambitions and goals.
Everyone knows that Faria's sly, but I've never seen it practically applied...until today.
Well, cancelled appointment with Freidman meant seeing Valarie for parts of the day. And should all go well, RHPS should happen this evening... *crossing fingers*
Last Friday night, after camp, I had a great conversation with Patrick. The kind you could only have with close friends. Suddenly I feel like I'm missing a lot of people that I usually talk to. However, it seems that this is in exchange for more focus in my work and studies. With only 2 days each week to myself, it's hard to spread yourself out to the people that you like.
I imagine this is only going to be even harder when I get to university. I consider this another period of social trials and errors.
Some of my books arrived today *woohoo!*, got my copy of The Gold Bug Variations by Richard Powers, The Man Who Loved Only Numbers: The Story of Paul Erdos and the search for Mathematical Truths by Paul Hoffman, and 2 of my music workbooks and text.
Man, I've bailed out on plans with Sam twice this week now... this sucks.
This weekend, and yes, Thursday night is the perfect time to plan the weekend, I want to go out and just do something quiet. Maybe like take a nap under a tree or something. Friday night's Jackie's party/gathering, Saturday morning is interview with Danny Freidman (music guy, tell you about encounter with Boyana and him when I have more time), and Saturday afternoon is doctor's appointment. Not to mention Rocky Horror Picture show with Andrew and whoever else I can get to come.
That leaves Sunday, when I wake up at like, noon after getting home at 1 in the morning.
Then it'll be Monday before I know it. What happened to taking time off?!?!
Ack, what did I say earlier today... "I'm going to try and get to sleep at around 9pm." Whatever. It's 22:37. I'm just asking to be late for work one of these days. Sucks to be the first one there. *grumble*
I want someone to play board games with me. And I mean like Chess, Chinese chess, Othello, Go, and we'll just spend a whole day playing against each other.
When you search for the roots or origin of something, don't expect to find what you expect to find; Just like at the end of a sentence, you expect it to end, but you should also expect to feel.
Sometimes I just get the feeling that the things I think in my head are better kept in my head.
Everything is so close and so far away...
"I'm not worried about whether I can handle these courses, I'm more concerned about whether I'll enjoy them or not."
This evening, I'm spending all night at the keyboards. I'm spent from the day, but there still seems so much that I haven't done...
I don't know what I want to say today. Except that when I'm happy, I dread the ending of that happy moment, because it never lasts. Yet after an extended time away from experiencing "happy" things, which is a debatable adjective and noun in itself, it seems that its temperament doesn't matter.
And so it would seem that our understanding of happy is only that of the temporary kind, not of the true and pure kind. Afterall, could something that was true and pure suddenly be NOT true?
Or maybe that's the deadend that we can't see, there is no universal truths and ideas, being an existence that is temporary (and we are, because if you can remember your beginning, however vaguely, you will very likely experience an ending), we can only experience all that is temporary.
So first we have to be immortal, indestructable, a nocturnal being that has always been here and have always been here to experience true happiness.
Then again, if I was that being, I wouldn't be here wondering about these pure forms of emotions and ideas, because they would be perfectly attainable, and perhaps I would wish to experience something that wasn't there forever.
Logical series of statements woven together in disguise of a pointless loop of exchange is either a sign of neurosis, or just a general case of fatigue.
Note to self: Extra pillows are good for hugging.
X-men, is a wonderful movie of it's genre (that being a movie based on something else outside of the creator's mind), because it STUCK TO THE STORY LINE.
Some are exceptions, like Fight Club for instance. Only thing that bothered me though, is that they started with the "deal" between Logan and Charlies and that they would dig up his pass, but amidst all the action and cool superheroes and raw emotions, it got lost. So either that guarantees more X-Men movies to come (I've always thought of X-Men as good looking, that fantasy remains even with real actors in their 2D place), or that means I gotta go refresh my memory by going through some comics or websites.
If Kurosawa was still alive, he would've made something like this. There is so much imagery from him, makes me wonder... must find out about their production.
Ack. Oh my god. Eisenstat saw this site. Does this mean i have to change my address now and go under a different identity else where in cyber space?
Freak storm today. For about 20 minutes it started to pour curtains of water down the windows, you open a door and the wind would blow enough water on you to soak you, the hail also made some strange noises against the concrete wall outside the centre. I wish I was outside.
I want to go out and just party this weekend. Go out and do something crazy. Maybe not like a 3 day party, but out and play for a night. Have to make some changes to my choice of pass-times, when there is time to pass.
All you people who don't drink soya milk because it's too "chalky", you're not getting it from the right places. Soya milk isn't suppose to be chalky, it's suppose to be smooth and sweet, almost like milk.
Talked to Ken last night, WildPixels outing this weekend. And suddenly, it was like the past few months was never in existence, but it was.
Doesn't the censorship of your own "log" defeat the purpose of one to begin with? I knew there was a catch-22 some where that I missed...
I'm discovering ballades. It should've been obvious to be much earlier that other composers aside from Chopin composed them too. Duh. Ack, and I doubled booked myself again, Boyana meeting AND WildPixels meeting at 8pm tomorrow. Fortunately, Boyana's really nice, and moved it to the weekend. I have to stop doing that.
Things are going weird with Patrick again.
Oh, and I'm just about ready to kill the next person that gets on my nerves. Some people just don't understand the fact that I like being alone some times, I prefer some quiet time over forced small talks. I really can't wait until the weekend comes.
"So what's keeping you from doing what you want to do?"
"It doesn't seem to have any effect on anyone or anything else."
"Does that matter? All you need to is to want it."
"I don't know, that doesn't quite cut it for my sometimes..."
"Well, I want to see you successful and happy."
"Everything sounds better than they actually are."
"You think I'm lying?"
"No, I think I'm misinterpreting."
(This space is deliberately left blank. Looking for dirt on me? Look somewhere else.)
We, the women, are perfectly unreasonable creatures. We'll get pissed off at you if you don't do what we expected you to do, we'll whine and complain about imaginary problems that don't exist but involves you, we'll get depressed or upset if you don't read our minds and respond appropriately, and most of all, we don't understand WHY you look at the other chics that you do look at.
Women are very logical and intellectual creatures, in their own ways. They will always have a theory about an existing relationship, and hypothesize about forthcoming sparks between any two people. They have figured out how their mothers' mind works and thus successfully manipulates their mother-in-laws. What the logical thinker fails to realizes is that you are trying to think for a species whose 'superior' existence can be mirrored by a falling of the clothing.
We, the delicate and paranoid women who refuses to eat anything off the floor in fear of the things that are invisible to the eye, rationalizing on behalf of the race that feels that what you don't know can't kill you?
I'm not men-bitter right now, I'm women frustrated.
Ack. I'm one of them.
(Silly Andrew, couldn't find site after I changed everything...)
Watched Daniel MacIvor's play, House that was made into a feature lengthed film. I knew his name was familiar, but now I recall him as a Canadian writer and playwright, as well as his casting in Twitch City which I love (Don McKellar, the originator of that series and actor, is much better looking in person. He's actually one slick guy, don't let his couch potatoe make over fool you). He released something around my birthday this year... but I can't recall the title.
Who says nothing good ever came out of Canada? These two men are brilliant. I would even go as far as saying these are the projections I have of my husband should I ever choose to have one, but I don't mingle with the right crowd.
Anyone out there with connections?
If I got a dime everytime MaryAnn talked to nobody on the phone, went out and met nobody, and left the house to do nothing, I would be a trillionaire. ~ Victor, "House"
Downtown traffic is quite plesant when it's a Sunday and it's raining. Finally picked up some Japanese paper, hope Patrick still wants them, even though they were for teachers at the school and school is officially over now... I also got some paper that's twice as long as I am to cover up my closet doors (yes, that's supposed to be pluralized). The beginning of a few renovations I'm doing to my room.
Every summer, I say I'm going to do justice my light pink walls and wooden furniture and just too much damn space all around, but I still don't have paintings or decos like I planned. But this summer, I'm going to cover up my ugly closet doors with paper. You'll see.
I think I get more satisfaction from purchasing books than anything else, electronics and gadgets and tech aside. Especially when the grand total is less than what I expected it to be.
Digging up all my old music textbooks, time for some reviewing.
The Pixels are getting together soon! It's like a family gathering, only it's the first time we've ever sat together with the new additions. Something else to look forward to in the near future.
And didn't actually go to school today, no one's going to be there. I'm too tired to go anyway. I'll just get there really early monday morning with timbits and a sugarized beverage.
Mmm... binary finary.
This weekend, I gotta recharge. Blading. Music. Reading. Go with my brother to see a movie.
After life looks really good. If you could only choose one memory from your life and live in it for all of eternity, which one would it be?
Have to drop by the school tomorrow for a bit, drop of some purchases for the camp, look over everything one final time, then try and relax for monday...
...and Hazem's got chicken pox I hear. Don't ask. I have no idea.
Very well written bullshit. [via. sylloge]
And apparently, X-men can pass on their powers via intercourse.
*ponders* Can X-men do that? ~ Pat
As you might have guessed, it's been a looong week.
How do you "accidentally" grab someone? And how is it the fault of the person who is at the disadventage?
I wasn't trying to grab anything! You were falling over!
Ya right. Whatever.
I won't talk about the other incident when someone almost mistakened my chest for my shoulders to rest their arm. Make note to never put keys in places where you don't want people to reach, and how are you suppose to argue with people who stick their hand over a telephone handset you're using, accidentally sticks a finger into your mouth, and claims that you stuck your mouth around their finger?
Either the male species is revealing a deep and conspicuous truth about them to me, or I have a sign stuck on my back that says: Embarrass me.
This also goes to show that I'm not the only one that's good at justification of obscurity. And there is nothing wrong with using logic like, all meowing dogs meow to conclude that dogs meow!
Why are you looking at me like that.
And Bilal is the greatest. He's like Robert, hard working, honest, patient, and responsible. Instead of burning Mac CDs like he thought he would be, he's been spending all his time helping Patrick with camp's setup.
See what I mean about mood swings?
*grumble*
*sigh* Being boss makes everything go weird.
Some interesting content that were found during locker clean up today: cellphone, tommy clothing(s), Motion Squad T-Shirts (some hip, sexy, booty-shaking dance group at school), money ($), and some pretty nice bags.
Who leaves their cellphones at school without picking it up?
Also picked up my report cards today. I did much better than I expected. And I got the average that I've gotten every, single, frigging, term since grade 10.
I'm aiming high next year.
Things are going weird again. Things to do with me, people around me, things around me. I don't seem to want to believe the things that people say, or the things that come out of my mouth. I don't know what it is. I really don't.
There's a block that I'm not getting through; I can't see what it is, and I don't know how.
I don't understand.
On another note, I'm debating the idea of going out and getting myself some more sheet music. Technically, I have enough of a variety at home for me to put together an impressive (I was going to say decent, but these people want to be impressed) program for my interview. But this is such a good reason/excuse/opportunity to go out and get Danse Macrabre, The Bumble Bee, Rachmaninoff's theme variations on Paganini and Cornelli... all the songs that I love listening to and have just never tried playing.
It's like watching commercials for a car and just dying to want to drive it.
The craving must be satisfied. I suppose another way to do this is to replay the commercial over and over and over again...
Lesson of the day: Just go along with what your mother says.
I think I need to restrict myself to social events no more than 6 hours. After that, I get really really weird.
Arcanum. Myst III. Lord of the rings. The trailor for Rings is absolutely amazing. Arcanum for my brother. Myst for me. And Lord of the rings for both of us. Before all that, I have to survive the summer... camp starts in one week.
As I was patrolling my living room, waiting for sleep to come, I inevitably ended up at the keyboards again. I looked at the scattered sheets of score on top of the piano that I haven't touched since May, and began working with them again. I think it's time I start working on those compositions again, inspiration comes more readily when you're not so stressed out and pressured.
Then, as I wrapped up my session to get some other work done, I finally played the ƒtudes-Tableaux in G- by Rach the way I want it to be played.
This came a lot sooner than I expected. Hmm.
And here's something quality reading that I didn't expect to find on the net. An analysis essay written on Rach's music. The Variation on a Theme by Paganinni was the first piece of music I had ever heard of by Rach, I recall catching a good part of it on radio and recorded it on tape. I have since lost that tape and have since forgotten about that musical episode in my life... time to visit vintage classical records/CD shops.
The new look! How do you like it? I know there are too many pictures of me around here (in fact, for just about every single section except for this), but I'm hoping by the end of this month I'll have a different photo for each. And who knows, maybe I'll update the photo at the portal every month, and just bump the previous photo to be used somewhere. I'll figure something out.
Too tired to list all the new sections I've put up, but I've spent some time putting up my philosophy log for Mr. Unger, seperate log reserved for babbles about camp. (Not so much for you as for myself, let's see how long before I get confused between the two!)
I don't know. Worked on this new thing for long enough that I'm almost sick of it. But maybe not. What do you think?
Oh yes. And happy Canada Day. Today (I'm about 6 hours away from the actual July 1st) will be filled with more Jazz, fireworks, and some star gazing.
Prom 2000 (Photos)