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June 29th, 2000 - [20:27] If there was one thing that I would want from someone, it would be understanding. Sometimes, the hardest part of a day, the most heart breaking thing about a project, is not the obsticles and challenges that are inevitable in our lives. You can learn from them, be better prepared for them the next time, and perhaps discover new insight that changes the way you think. The hardest part of my day, is when someone creates a problem for me because they do not understand. Especially the kind that is the most ignorant. If I'm with someone, whether it's family, friends, or a serious relationship, I need understanding. The latter two can be escaped from if you really tried, but can you really escape from your family? Maybe it's the code of respect that I was brought up with that prevents me f rom escaping some aspects of family that frustrates me greatly, whatever the reason, I can't break free. It goes the other way too. I can't have any kind of real feelings for anyone that I don't understand. This goes for new people that I have reccently met, and people I have known for a very long time. I don't think it's fair to anyone to pretend you are still friends if the understanding fades. And this was what I wanted today. Understanding. An understanding of me that I have been trying to communicate to the thick headed. Well this messes up my plans for tonight. The Ska Jazz show at Comfort Zone. *sigh* And I was looking forward to that. June 28th, 2000 - [20:48] It's so easy to hang on to compliments immediate, funny how it kind of wears of after a while... does this mean that we need to have someone there complimenting us all the time? Or a group of people saying nice things about you? The first gets tiresome and pretencious after a while, and the latter... could work out if you were a cult leader. Ack. I'm going to go crazy thinking. Boyana called me! From the conservatory. One contact... 3 more to go... Oh, and Stasia's grad party was great, I completely misunderstood what she meant by a "speech for the grads" and made a pretty ill-preped speech, but it was great. I also realized one thing about myself. If someone has actually seen me cry, they've known me for a pretty long time. Cuz I don't cry, not in public, and if I do it must be pretty damn serious. (Not to say that the people who haven't seen me cry aren't my friends (and I know a few who could be reading this right now.)) I will speak nothing about tears on someone else's shoulders. And now that I think about it, I don't really have many emotional outbursts. I'm human. Really, I am. Stop looking at me funny. Oh... and I'm pissed off at Duplium. YearDiscs are not done till noon tomorrow. This is not what the deadline was... Oh! Quick! Quick! A hacked site! (hee) June 26th, 2000 - [22:!5] Tomorrow's judgement day. YearDisc should be delivered, Mark's going to be here all day to help with the camp, have to take adventage of that; Stasia's grad party and I still have no clue what I want to say (I am least inspirational when asked specifically to be), and... and... and... gasp I have to take a breath, and get ready to shoot myself tomorrow. And I'm crossing my fingers, but I think I'm going to spend my Christmas holiday in Beijing and Zechwan (sp?) and Fu Tzeng (sp again?). And the bonus? Spending quality time with my grand mother. Better not say more in case I jinx it... besides, wouldn't it suck for me to rave and rant about it and not go in the end? [17:54] Genotype and phenotype. I'm back to Godel, Escher Bach again. It's so relaxing... very odd since it takes a lot of work to actually comprehend. Tomorrow's Anastasia's grad party. She wants me to say something to everyone, and I don't know what to say. It's one thing making speeches in a class or making a presentation, but when speaking in front of friends and school mates, you want to feel like you mean what you say. And I want to keep silent. Whatever meaning I find in the people around me, the trail of thoughts and the series of feelings; there really isn't any for the general population. I have nothing to say about something that averages to mediocricy (that sounds really pessimistic and cynical, but it's a fact, the average is... well... mediocre). There are too many contradicting things that goes on in my head. I could wish them all good luck, follow their dreams, and all the other sappy things we all like to hear someone say to us, but I wouldn't believe in what I was saying. I want to sit back, be silent, and enjoy the moment, instead of spoiling it by trying to put everything into words. Moments are to be enjoyed, don't break the spell by speaking. Hmm... maybe I'll do a game of cherades, and come up with an interpretive catch phrase or something, and get them to guess... *sigh* still that problem. About what? June 25th, 2000 - [23:30] Today was strangers-nice-to-margaret day and nobody told me? How many other days like this are there, and how come nobody ever told me. I don't really mind going to concerts by myself (gotta love New Awlins' Jazz), I usually can't find someone with the same taste and the same schedule. But today, I met a few interesting people, all of which thought I was at least ten years older than I actually am. Met Al. Retired teacher from Jefferson just last year (same area as Don Mills), and when I told him I've been at Don Mills for 4-5 years, he thought I meant teaching! Anyway, his dad played in the Philharmonics as a violinist. He himself was too involved with hockey and didn't take music too seriously even though he still enjoyed it. He said something to me that I don't think I'll ever forget. He said to me." Of course, none of my parents have been in the philharmonics, or musically involved in any seriousness, so I can't say I have the same regrets. But I will regret not trying. Well, what other forms could regret possibly take? Going out was a good idea today. And one could always use singleness to ones adventage. Always. June 24th, 2000 - [23:35] I am so very tired right now, and yet I can't sleep. I know when I fall on my bed, suddenly I'll be wide awake, unable to reach the dream state that I want to be in. And then I'll think about all the things I've avoided that day.
I'm left lying there, watching the strange shadows cast on my wall from the street lamp and trees outside my window, suddenly aware of all the empty physical space around me, and remember all the times when it wasn't so empty.
My mind wanders to the handful of people (I think are) closest to heart, and the many more that I see and greet every day, as well as the strings that are attached with each of them.
I think of all the people in the world I have never met, and never will. All the feeings they're feeling that I'm not feeling, all the feelings that I'm feeling thinking I'm the only one who has. Someone might be wishing for something that I could give, someone could give what I'm asking for right now.
I imagine in my mind something plesant. Someone secretly planning to sweep me off my feet; an opportunity in the near fuure, maybe some exciting and plesant times to look forward to. Maybe a sudden change of events for the better for someone. And due to lack of sufficient awareness of the real world, I cross the world of imaginery with reality, and I can't remember when I started to dream, and when I was just beginning to understand. (I think.) [20:02] Gloom and rain. Today was spent with Anastasia, helping her wrap "care packages" for the graduates at her grad party Tuesday. I'm quite impressed by my own creative use of tissue paper, wired ribbons and wrapping strings. Jazz Festival is also in full swing! Not that I have much time to go...*sigh* I'm going to find some quality listening for some evening concerts later this week and the Canada Day weekend. Should take adventage and meet up with Anibal. New site is just about finished... I'm a bit freaked out about the YearDisc thing. They couldn't open the file for the cover (illustrator EPS) on Friday and had left a message, I e-mailed it to them 15 minutes after their office hours, I wanna call them up first thing monday to see if they can still make the Tuesday delivery goal... PLEASE don't screw this up... June 23rd, 2000 - [17:55] Go. Watch this. NOW. (It's Park's original creation (Creator of Wallace and Gromit), called Creature Comforts, streaming on-line!) And yes. I'm looking forward to Chicken Run. Anxious to see whether it sold out, or retained its integrity. June 22nd, 2000 - [20:36] Lesson of the day: Make mistakes. And then be able to laugh at yourself. Everything is being set into high gears for the next few weeks. I think I'm going to have less time to post here, but I will be enjoying my work. (And you remember what happened the last time I said I was going to be too busy to post.) Today was one of those feel-good days, warm fuzzy feelings right in the centre of your being where you can't reach. These feelings should last longer. Curious question to all the guys: what in the world would move you to fix a revealing bra-strap on a girl's shoulder? Not that you are punished for your considerations but... you have to admit, it is a strange kind of consideration. It's like, stopping a kid in the playground and tieing up their shoelaces for them. Sweet, but strange. Ya know? June 21st, 2000 - [22:27] If there was one conclusion I made this year that really made a difference, was the conclusion that this universe is too vast for anything to be completely and absolutely impossible. I made this revelation a few months back, just when all the stress had just about reached my core, and shut me down for good. I sat down and did Mr. Unger's philosophy log, and reflected on what I felt. I think I sincerely believed it at that point. I think I still do. Lots of people have told me not to give up on many occasions, telling me that should I set my mind to something, nothing is impossible. That wasn't persuasive. But if you had a true sense of just how vast this universe is, whether it is real or not is irrelevant, you will also see how limitless it truly is. I sit here now, with a thousand things on my mind, able to only put little into words. Trying to have imaginary conversations with people that has been there for me in the past, and guess what they might say to me. And it's the same conclusion: they can't help me. This is what it feels like to know people want to help, but can't. This is where it will seem almost impossible that you could make it through. But the universe is too vast to leave me with no options. There are limitless options and possibilities. Isn't that what you just wanted to hear in the first place? That there is hope? Well this is it. YOU are it. Can't you see? [16:27] I have lots to say about this. I just really really really wish my mother would stop telling me what she thinks. I know what she thinks. Would you like to hear what I think? Lately I'm finding that there are enough stupid questions that get asked that I can set up generic answers. I am also beginning to understand the people who have strange and short tempers. Or maybe it's better discipline to be able to feel no rage or need to get defensive in the face of... annoyance? Hmm... but that's subjective. I just feel like I want to lash out at people who find humour in all the wrong things, uptight about the most unimportant things, and tell me I'm wrong when I do or say something that they don't like. Or maybe fever and sickness and generally yuckiness is making me cranky and angry. I don't like being craky and angry. That's not me... June 20th, 2000 - [17:16] The bad news: There's a Trojan virus on the master CD [12:30pm] The good news: We can send in another master CD. The bad news: It has to be in by 3pm. The good news: It takes only 20 minutes to burn. The bad news: we don't have a PC virus scanner. The good news: Bilal has access to install it on the network. The bad news: We don't have a ride. The good news: We have enough money to get a taxi. The bad news: Not if we don't get it in my 3pm!!! The good news: Mr. Field asked how we were. The bad news: He wasn't thrilled when we told him he had 20 minutes to fly up to the plant. The good news: He got there. The bad news: At 3:02. The good news: The accounts manager there was really nice to me and still assured me a delivery on Tuesday. Even more good news: The yearbooks are in! Today! Not next week! And suddenly, it seems that this HAS to be the end. Everything that could've possibly gone wrong HAS gone wrong, this was not the first time that I felt like it should all end now, that it's finished, but this MUST be it. Now. I go study for my philosophy exam. And help Anastasia out with her grads party. And send those friggin confirmation letters out this week. And go shopping for the camp. And treat the nice ladies in the office to lunch friday. And... June 19th, 2000 - [22:28] Ahhh... hot tea... it burns... This French Mustard craving is getting ridiculous. Somebody PLEASE tell me where I can get some? Even a small jar? It really, really, is the last day of school. Everything's just exams and reviews and marks and parties. But it doesn't feel like it's the end. The pace didn't slow down, it's just change. Like when you're dancing, you're still moving, just to a different rhythm, a different beat, with a different feel. But some where in between, you gotta take a break. You can't go dancing on your feet forever you know. Did I mention I'm getting sick? [20:20] Today is the last day of school, and next year will be my last year in High School. I realized a few things today: 1) I'm in love with French Mustard. Not Frenches, but the stuff imported from France. 2) I handle stress a lot better than I did when I first started high school. 3) I'm thick when I'm stressed out. Everything needs to be in "crayon colours". I have to sit down and summarize my YearDisc experience sometime this week, before I forget everything. The most important lesson I learned was to trust my own intuition. It's bull's eye accuracy surprises even myself sometimes. So does this mean everything that I'm paranoid about is true? I really hope not. June 18th, 2000 - [21:50] Misunderstanding seems to be an integral part of human nature. Sometimes it is an honest misunderstanding, and if all parties involved are smart enough to figure it out, it could probably be resolved. Unfortunately, most misunderstanding is due to idiocy, immaturity, and most often, our inability to admit that we are wrong. But I'm sure you knew that already. I just needed to reaffirm. In other news, June 17th, 2000 - [23:59] My sentiments exactly. Can't wait to get scanned photographs from Dax, then I shall have much to work with... I also have darkroom stuff to do. Spare time anyone? ;23:26] Working on a new design for the site. I've spent just about the whole day on it, in between taking notes on my philosophy textbook and watching MI:1 (The first one was much better). It looks pretty good. It'll just take me some time to convert the sections to fit the new design, or maybe just keep it the way they are now. What do you think? YearDisc is going to be sent up to burn Monday, need to deal with camp volunteer and instructor schedule as well as mail merge the confirmation letters that are, uh. two weeks late. And I am still finding time to practice piano. Hopefully soon I will have gotten around to calling teachers up. "I like fantasies. I wish fantasies would come true." "Yeah, but then they wouldn't be fantasies any more now would they?" [14:54] Sometimes, I feel like I want to lash out at the next person that says something that trips my wires. But I never have. June 16th, 2000 - [22:58] Three and a half hours. 180 mail merging entries. Stiff neck, 110 wpm. I have only one thing to share tonight, it was a commercial I heard on the radio: "Mr. Speaker, the honourable member of the opposition stole my newspaper during lunch break." "I did not!" The Globe and Mail. Well written, well read. I'm supose to see Rocky Horror Picture show with Andrew tomorrow night, more people should come... June 15th, 2000 - [16:15] So Anibal's found a job now, he's been looking for once since the end of school at Ryerson. He's got a gig at the prop house that made all the props for the new x-men movie, how cool is that? As soon as I remember what the name of that company is... Camp is also beginning to roll. Actually, I have to start rolling with camp work. Jonathan helped me with registration today after school, Patrick's got the volunteer stuff pretty much done, and I have to tweak the staff schedule and finalize it very soon. As I was walking home, Jonathan asked who was editing the yearbook next year. And to be totally honest, I can't do that again with the load of work I know I'll have next year. Turns out he was interested, as with Jackie. So we're going to try and work out some tri-editorship (and knowing us, we'll be fabulous). He seemed pretty serious, so I'm holding my breath and crossing all my fingers till I hear the final word from them. So I was sitting there, in the middle of the day, and I just... sat there. Didn't feel anything. Which really isn't a bad thing, but I could feel nothing. I can't tell whether it was because I was trying so hard not to feel, that I wasn't; or had I truly lost touch with the things around me: love, affection, friendship, etc. The intangable substance that is so necessary, impressions from conversations, interactions, and time. E-mails, letters, notes, photos, sketchbooks. These things, without the context, are not really accurate. I was thinking of all this looking at Andrew's photos form the prom (and some of them look REALLY nice. No one has ever taken a picture of me dancing without me looking like a fool. Ever.) Or maybe I'm being too critical, dwelling too long on things that should be obvious. I just wish that those moments of confidence and truth in the things around me would... last. June 14th, 2000 - [22:01] Got the Etude-Tableau op.33 in G- from Patrick last night. It's on infinite repeat. I stayed at school till about 8pm tonight working on the YearDisc. I can't help but feel that it's going to kick ass, and that the other 1000 students out of our 1200 population is really missing out. Yes, come on. Buy a yeardisc. It's five bucks! Besides, I made it. (If that last comment lowered credibility, please ignore.) Now that work is beginning to wrap up, just a few things: another camp quickie with all my staff to make sure we're at the same wave length; start up a new section just for camp stuff outside of this log; get prom pictures from EVERYONE since I didn't take any photos (and people seem to want to give me photos, cuz the news is spreading like a disease, that I'm putting it all up in a website); Also learn fireworks. Oh, and find a teacher. Argh. (Hey, where'd all my motivation go all of a sudden? Come back!) Quote of the day: She is our leader: Smart like a beaver, strung like a moose. (You had to be there.) June 13th, 2000 - [21:13] Mmm... vegetables so good, they taste sweet. Don't ask what will happen, because there is no way you can know. Don't ask why this is happening, because you might not want to know. Don't ask me to promise a future, but that I remain true. Don't ask me to forgive, there is no such thing. You merely forget. Don't ask me to love, one simply gives. Ask me to explain. And I will. Meaghan's validictorian speech is tomorrow...good luck! [03:40] It's 3:40am in the morning right now, and yet I don't feel like crap. A bit dizzy and lightheaded, sure, but not cranky. Some interesting conversations too, to keep me through the night. And suddenly I wonder, as I keep things to myself, how much do others keep inside as well? And maybe it's okay to keep it inside sometimes, as long as it doesn't come as a big ugly surprise when you can no longer contain it. Let it out, nice and smooth, no surprises. And people, please, I know I'm a hypocrite, but sleep! Why? Because you can. June 12th, 2000 - [22:01] Mathematic dictates... (how many of you liked that?) [20:15] Ah fuck. I'm way too distracted to get work done. I started reading this, and I almost wanted to cry. Out of frustration, out of sentiments, out of empathy, I don't know. Or maybe it's because of my own inability to face up to things like that in my life, I get caught up in the day dream, and then I forget where the dream begins, and where it ends... ...or maybe they're the same? [19:48] Updated the index. The thing I slopped together was getting a bit ridiculous. And I found letters, that I haven't seen for a long time now. Letters from friends back in Hong Kong, between the year 1992 and 1993. Approximately the two years I spent in Canada (Mississauga) when I first came to this country, as well as some letters from a strange boy back in my middle school years in Toronto. I would dwell on them but... I have a presentation to get ready for tomorrow. I need an ice cream sandwich. [18:31] Everything is so... half done... You know, this isn't a half bad idea. [01:14] Ken better be sleeping. And the lot of you that's still online this late! Don't make me come and make you. June 11th, 2000 - [23:34] Okay, I know I said I'd shut up for a few days, but I need to let my psychotic episodes go somewhere, right? I'm quite screwed for this coming week. My Computers OAC document is going to take up all my time tonight (well, it has taken up most of my day so far), as well as tomorrow night. I have YearDisc prep to do before sending the master CD off some time this week, testing and shit. Also have to wrap up the sales, remembering to put in some announcements for both the book and the disc. Confirmation letters were suppose to be sent out last week, I still don't have a database together. I am quite screwed on that note, but Deb (one of my keener and more responsible staff) has already offered some of her time for me this week. I've been really slacking in my Philosophy work for the past week, and whatever free time I have, I'd like to read and make notes. Things are in general havoc. Inside, outside, left, right. One sure sign of stress and confusion: you loose your sense of judgement. More on that tomorrow. (Note to self: Get the Tableau-Etude in G- recording.) [16:15] Digital pictures from Una's place. More to come soon I hope. Now I need a section for photos that's more permenant somewhere around here. If that popup looks funny, tell me. June 10th, 2000 - [22:27] Went for a bit of Sergei Rach this evening. Usually, I'm pretty good with finding good sheet music at home, AND digging up a recording some where in my collection to give me an idea of how it should sound. I have, on CD, Etude-Tableau op. 33 No. 2 and No. 7. But guess which one I've got on sheet music? No. 8! And I was just reading some of the old stuff that I wrote in my scrapbook. Noticing some drastic changes in my view. And you know what, some time this year, I'll be back in that chippy optimistic outlook. Yuck. Feelings and emotions are an integral part of being human. Unfortunately, we have to stick our nose up in the air and stroll down that hallway and act like we don't care. People go crazy thinking about this too much, I think. And I've ranted a lot today. I have so much I want to say, to ponder. Suddenly life is becoming surreal, I'm loosing the understanding that I was just beginning to grasp. I'm going to shut up for the next few days now. [19:00] Some time ago I mentioned Derrek here (is that how I spell his name?), mid-March. Looks like he's moving in too! We should have a competition, who gets the most visits to their sites, or who has the most complete content, or... ... you can read about my prom. [17:40] There really is nothing quite so lonely and sad than the knowledge that you need help, but that really, no one can help you. That at some point, it's no longer a matter of whether you're allowing people to help you or not; you don't know how they can help, and you're not sure that having them help you is going to help them. In other news, I'm afraid Meaghan's having a nervous breakdown, and I'm afraid that I'm having one too. [16:53] Revelation in a fit of sanity: Instead of that stupid attempt to do some kind of literary/artistic/philosophic/idiotic representation of each month at the portal of the site, why not *drum roll*... do it with the layout of my log? I have these archived by months anyway, and I can keep an archive of the monthly stuff as well! [16:28] My new neighbour! Hi Alec. I hate to point this out, but it seems like my site is always going to be left hanging in this half-completed state. I'm trying to put my new philosophy of determinism into practice, and it sounds a little something like this: It has been predetermined whether I will be accepted into a university music program of my liking. It is merely my perception of my own skills and motivation to prepare for it that makes me think I have a choice. As I suddenly begin to doubt my commitment and time arrangement to actually pursue this study, I may conclude that I suck and just won't make it, but that doesn't really matter. It's been predetermined! Another thing, I don't have to try and understand anyone's actions towards me. Whether they appear to be offensive, defensive, or suspicious, there is already a predetermined truth out there that cannot be denied or changed. All my psycho-analysis are merely time wasters. Yeah, okay. I can see a million things wrong with this philosophy. However, I'm at a point where I'm so lost and confused that if I think that what I do can make a difference, and that I have freewill over what choices I make, I'm going to go crazy. Because to me, I will never make the right choice. I plead temporary insanity while I retreat into ignorant bliss. (But how can I be if I KNOW I'm retreating into an ignorant bliss? Paradox... nooo...) [10:41] Prom was...nice. I guess the best part of the night was Patrick not even recognizing me when I walked up to him. The whole feeling about it since the beginning has been weird, and that feeling hasn't left me, not that I regret going. Just sometimes, you do something that everyone else seems to be so excited and anxious about, and you're one of the few that's more calm and collected about it. I don't know. I'm rambing. I have much to do. Which really sucks, because right now, work is the last thing I want to do. And the mental state of this weekend? Waiting. Patiently, unconsciously, waiting. Proactivism on the events of this weekend, as much as wanted, is probably unecessary. And yes yes, I know I'm being cryptic. More on the prom...later. June 9th, 2000 - [00:22] I'm green with envy for Robert and Avery and the DX crew for attending the TEDCity Conference: Meeting of the Minds. I mean, come on, it's TED! If you don't know what it is, click on the link now. What are you waiting for? Stop reading right now. Click on the link and check out TED. The more I think about the events of today (yesterday), and Patrick's inquisition about general state of affairs, I cannot help but reach a new level of anxiety. That is all that shall be said for now. June 8th, 2000 - [22:00] So say world is constant and unchanging, that the only thing that makes a difference is self; perception. Life is your own journey of knowledge and learning. Perhaps the ultimate knowledge is the knowledge of everything as it is, and they were, and the way they will be. Doesn't that make sense? Somebody, argue with me. [18:21] Well, looks like I'm not going to get the shoes that I want. It's basically what I've got, only a different colour and 1/2 a size larger (my feet are not paper thin). Apparently Jackie G wants me to bring my stash of make up to Una's place, don't know her phone number so I'll take Andrew's words for it. We debated about where the after party should be held (not that I'm going), and Eisenstat actually offered his place. I think he was joking. I can't really tell. Also an interesting episode at lunch today with Ken and Lynn. For once I wasn't hiding in Faria's office, and had lunch with Ruth and Jackie and Phyllis. Then he shows up out of no where, followed by Lynn. They were having their own conversation while we had our own. It wasn't until after they left that Jackie told me they were arguing, or something like that. I just couldn't hear a thing. Then after school today, I saw them in the main office. When Mr. Steven's involved, as well as two cops (nice cops, but none the less the law enforcers), I got a bit worried. Lynn was still around after school, but Ken had disappeared I think. (Along with the police?) Fretting. I still can't believe the prom is tomorrow. At least I'm not obsessively trying on my dress and looking at myself in the mirror. Hope I'll look okay for Eero, and whoever else who might make note. When I return, I should have pictures to post. (I realize I said that about the grad, but none of it has come back yet.) Oh, and here's a great argument that's pro-determinism: The changes that we pereceive are merely perceptions. Ultimately, things have been predetermined, everything is a stagnant lump, it is our pereception that is forever changing. June 7th, 2000 - [22:10] In the spirit of Ken and wit of Patrick. I think I have a new standard for all humanity to meet before I even consider looking at you minions. (Excuse my ego.) (Didn't I warn you guys about these mood swings?) With the fashion and colour intuition that Sam's got, I think I know what kind of boyfriend I want. Conclusion? He doesn't exist. Memories are all we can really leave behind. The words; the thoughts; the secret, private moments -- they're what last. They're the only things that last, really. (From the same source as above.) Okay, maybe he does. I just haven't found him yet. [19:41] If Patrick wasn't studying for a Calculus test tonight, I would call him up and give him a good yelling. If the universe is a static and stagnant lump of fate, I would not be surprised. Yet, I think I am even more ready to accept that that kind of description can very well be likened to the red blood cells we have in our body, it is quite doomed and fated to flow "freely" in our bloodstreams. Does the end justify the means? I don't know. And yet my mind wonders, constructing alter realities in my head, trying to see which one would be better, should it happen, or have happened, or lack there of. One can't help but conclude... I don't know, what is there to conclude? Here's an idea for a debate in philosophy course: Philosophizing is a worthy human cause. [19:09] Sometimes, I wish I was a bug. A bug so ugly that someone would quickly squish and kill instead of contemplating some method of torment and "games". Responsibility is only welcomed when it is appreciated, not chastised. And I'm coming up with the same reason as before why I might not want to go the the prom, but I'm hooked. I really don't like this instability of mindset. And just the total lack of motivation to do work... [18:34] Hee. Finally, Patrick asks what I'm wearing. And suddenly, I'm recalling a piece of advice about guys from him that I will never forget: If a guy bothers to be a friends with you before courting you, it's one of two things; They either really really like you, or close enough to say they love you, or they have no dick. Maybe an aspect of friendship is that, no matter how hard you try, you can never quite offend the other person. Prom's in two days, I don't think it's sinking in. I don't feel any anxiety or anticipationg at all. Very odd. I really want to get the other shoes, I'm going to see if I can exchange it friday. June 6th, 2000 - [22:01] Eminenya. Hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Ruth would try to turn M-SPOA(K) into BASTAARD (from RiotHero) [20:23] Today's philosophy class was interesting. I discovered that I am not alone in the belief that there is something to be learned in grief and pain. That instead of whining and howling and asking why, the proactive thing to do is to try and understand why this is happening. Don't force an optimism onto yourself, sometimes you can't help what you feel. You can understand why you're feeling, but you can't stop what you're feeling. Perhaps Mr. Gatchell was wise to have warned me at the commencement of the year of his retirement: Beware of the dashing young men. Tru dat. [16:32] I was doing some banking today since I got off school early. Something about Air Miles at Bank of Montreal, and I had to sign under "specimen's signature". Why do banks call their customers specimens? Also went lingnerie shopping. I consider this a women's curse. That or we should start getting some female designers who understand female needs. Same goes with shoes. Beautiful clouds today. I want a digital camera. I want a scanner. I want pretty picture of things. June 5th, 2000 - [21:52] We are dreamers all, we shall still dream on, Till the vision of life itself be done, Till the weary race to the goal is run-- Till the fevered pulses are checked and chilled, Till the fluttering heart is for ever stilled, Till the final struggle at length is o'er, And we lie down in quiet to dream no more. - Faulkner, Rhoda A., Mrs. [20:48] Cyber Graduation Night. The best part (for me): presentation of the Titorrific and Eisenstatic award. The most disorganized part: We didn't hear our Valid Dictorian's speech!!! And you thought I was a freak for being all sentimental. There are probably thirty thousand links to this story , but I don't think this is the same crowd. June 4th, 2000 - [22:05] Fuuuuuuudge. Joseph wants to come tomorrow. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. [21:39] I really shouldn't be writing anything here. I have an essay to polish off. Yet after being on-line for the past hour, I feel like I just came out of the tunnel of gossip. One thing that's really bothering me and making me feel bad is that the yearbook is not coming as early as I thought it should be. Mathew's right maybe, when he says that he should be upset that the book isn't coming out earlier than exam time, and even that needs confirmation this week. I don't think this year came out to be, at all, the way I expected it to. How appropriate that I should reflect just the evening before my graduation. Things didn't go the way I thought it would, but it was not all in vain. I don't believe that things just happen without a purpose. Behind every action, consequence, fluke, accident, opportunity; they are unpredictable, yet merely a result of cause and effect. The part about all this that's making me catch my breath is the underlying essence of everything. I wonder, whether things really have changed, or were they merely taking a detour while still faithful to that final destination, whatever that may be. I wonder whether my intuition is correct, because it has been proven wrong so many times. Wrong immediately, that is. It has often happened so that just when I am dismayed and unhappy, when all my observations and intuition seemed to have been false, that things turn around. Completely around. Perhaps it is all logical. Your sense of happiness and joy is heightened by the fact that you are arising from the pits of your heart and soul. I still feel, despite this observation, that something could've been done better. I want to apologize to everyone for not making the yearbook come out as early as I thought it would, before the prom. I want to say all the things that I should've said the moment I wanted to (or maybe not?), and there are some things that I would not change for the world. People are leaving, things are shifting, we are all at a time in our lives where big changes are taking place. That depresses me. It was hard to get used to the fact that Meaghan wouldn't be around anymore. It's hard for me to take that Patrick won't be around anymore. Yet there is something that keeps me in check: that the past cannot be changed. Nothing can take away what I had, and I have every reason to keep on believing in it. No matter what the future brings, I can say with confidence, "It was once like so." Yet, I still can't help but feel there's still so much more. [17:03] Patrick just called. These butterflies are getting worse. They feel more like maggots in my gut. [16:03] Butterflies in my stomach. Graduation tomorrow. I shouldn't be nervous, I haven't been this nervous or anxious since my last music exam/competition. The bullshit analyzer. What do you mean my site contains 0% bullshit?! [11:43] I believe it was in 1993 today that tanks in Tieninmen Square (I'm chinese, I'm not suppose to know how to spell that properly in english) made human patties out of protesting students. And you know, if we started protesting Mike Harris as passionately as they did, I'm sure none of us would fear for our lives in danger. And yet our so call political struggles against our system (worthy and intelligent ones, don't dipshit ones like the referendum) is hardly comparable to numerous others in the world. And just think, we live in the system that those people are fighting for. Maybe democracy is just a false sense of justice, giving you the illusion that you have the rights and ability to make a change yourself, but others are probably fighting for the same cause, their vote is just as good as yours. (And if you really know anything about elections and this government at any level, it's not democratic, it's beaurocratic.) I woke up this morning with a slick design for this site. I need more obscure photos of myself in colour. Any one got a digital camera and wants to offer assitance? [9:03] Mmm...spent some time to make bubble tea without the bubbles. It takes maybe 10-15 minutes to make, and it's just a lot of waiting for boiling water. I think I'm going to make one for myself every morning to perk me up for the camp. Who can complain after a good mug of tea? June 3rd, 2000 - [15:17] Staff meeting/curriculum session went well today, no one got killed and we seem to get along. The only thing I forgot was to talk to everyone about their pay. Ack. There's also something isn't there. Got my alterated dress back to day. It looks good, except of a few minor things that probably only I will notice. The key to perfection is distraction. The more I think about it the more I feel like going to the prom is a mistake. It just doesn't feel right going. I'm going to miss a lot of people going, and part of it is that it doesn't matter that I'm going to the prom or not. It's not giving me any closure that I need. I don't think this is what I ultimately want. Yes I know, I'm one to talk about what I want. Graduation is monday, will have pictures up soon of just about everyone. I should start a digital photo album. And you know what really frustrates me? When someone talks to me about something they've just learned, and the tell me. That's not all, I've KNOWN about this like it's second nature to me. Always known! Yet...it's such snobbish behaviour to just say, "yeah, well, I knew that a loooong time ago." Wisdom and knowledge and understanding of the things around me that's just sitting in my soul, and no where for them to go. That is frustration. June 2nd, 2000 - [22:10] Training session for camp tomorrow. Work this weekend. I just want to lie in bed all day and listen to music. And at some point the tracks should start to take on a tango theme, at which point I will WANT to get up and move and dance. Speaking of music, here are some words of advice I could heed to. I'm not making a mix tape, but a composition sometimes can have an impact. Only difference is, I'm not doing it to get into someone's pants, it's just something that I need to do. June 1st, 2000 - [21:22] Everything is everything, after winter must come string. Everything is everything, change it comes eventually. - Lauryn Hill. And if I had headphones, it'll be in full blast in my ears. [18:43] 3D studio Max and character studio 3.1 came in today! I've got all my software and hardware set for this summer. Now...for the training session this Saturday at the school. I have to make a list of objectives and things I want accomplished that day. Also gotta pick up my dress for alteration. I can't wait to try it on. Also spoke to Alce Malach. She graduated from UT with a Bachelor of Music, currently studying in the Glenn Gould School of music. Took some recommendations for music teachers, Linda Metelsky, Boyana Toyich, Marina Geringav. She also said that my background is just fine, with my small portfolio of compositions, the only thing that'll make or break my audition will be my performance. Time to get my work critiqued. Patrick is the only guy in the world who will say, "I'm going out with her. She doesn't know it yet, she should, but I'm going out with her this summer." without sounding like an idiot. |
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