April 30th, 2000 - {12:55]

"But the most concentrated nucleus, the most potent cultural capsule available to the Northeasterner is rhythm. Our musical rhythms, this dry food, sounds to me like some aspect of the Sacred. In the Northeast, rhythm is God dehydrated." Tom ZŽ, 1990 (link via sylloge.com)

Metaphors, do we ever get any where with them? Yet they are indispensable as part of our lives. Some purposes in this life are not clear, and most are up to us to decide isn't it?

All this responsiblity for my own purpose and well being. Can't you see that I'm busy?

Rumour about timecode (where's their site?): At one point, Whoopie Goldberg steps into the camera and asks, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" "We're filming a movie." "Oh! Sorry."

I must go see for myself. And yes, I'm fully aware that I only saw ONE of the movie that I said I wanted to see this month. Stop reminding me.

April 28, 2000 - [23:23]

It's been a slightly surreal day. Now that I think about it, it's been surreal since the weekend. Denial is the key to a long and prosperous life. Mmm. Denial.

Things that make you go "hmm".

I need a new umbrella. I lost my yellow one with a wodden duck head on the handle. I also now have a list of books that'll cost me 400 dollars to purchase. Why the hell is print so expensive? Shouldn't the "new" technology cost more? Or is this precisely the point, publishing is becoming a competitive and hard business to sell, so the prices are still going up without inflation?

Why can't I get 11 books of my choice for a buck?

April 26, 2000 - [23:36]

Only in a music course would you get on your paper, written in red pen: WWBD (What would Bethoven Do?)

I can't stop laughing.

April 25, 2000 - [21:00]

SOMA is this week? I thought it was next week! Bah! My plans! My well thought-out and organized plans!

I think I'm in love with relativism. It's always been the way I think, and the kind of thinking I seek out (not solely, but particularly). Everything DOES depend sometimes, and that's not to say I'm indecisive. I still make personal decisions based on the way I relate to things. More importantly the way I want to relate to and understand certain things.

Okay, I'm in love with the idea of relativism, because it's true. Philosophy holds a lot of truth for me, but I have yet to fully understand how I am to apply these truths to change myself. To change things.

April 23, 2000 - [22:04]

Got David Bowie's "Thursday's Child" on infinite repeat. Inspired, I started working on the Laputa theme, with a disonant harmony (I remembered from my harmony classes 4+ years ago about the "magical forth"). Had a nicely similar effect. Two major progressions, when placed together, harmonized, but "disonated".

I'm sure that's not a word.

Tomorrow I must blade. I WILL make this a weekly tor... uh... commitment.

April 22, 2000 - [22:22]

I watched Kenneth Branagh's 1993 "Much Ado About nothing" on television tonight, catching it quite by accident after some psychedelic Proviekov interpretations with life sized puppets (the more I think about it, the more disturbing it seems). Before I know it, I realized Keanu Reeves is in this movie, aside from the fact that this is a comedy, he's not suppose to be funny. He plays Don John (the villian, for those not so familiar with shakespeare). He's a living example of how NOT to interpret Shakespeare. Suddenly all these familiar faces come up, Denzel Washington, Emma Thompson, Michael Keaton (come on, Batman as some alcoholic officer?), and of course, Jenneth Branagh himself (I didn't realize it was one of his movie at first). I think he's my personal hero now. Many parallels in his 1996 "Hamlet" are seen in Much Ado. I don't think I could get use to other modern interpretations of Shakespare (ie. ahem. Romeo and Juliet.) How can you not love Shakespeare with a man like him to interpret it?

Note to self: get your hands on Love's Labour's Lost SOON.

Hee hee, comment form the MPAA on that movie: Rated PG for sensuality and a brief drug reference.

And Patrick Doyle, where have I heard that name before?

April 21, 2000 - [23:18]

Godel's Incompleteness Theorem. No axiomatic system could produce all the number-theoretical truths that exist, unless the system is inconsistent.

Chaos.

Finally saw Pi, the idea of mathematics as the fundamental of reality came up again. Anything can be represented and understood as numbers. I must obtain a copy of Pi on tape/DVD.

Paul Erdos, another contemporary mathematician/philosopher. It has never occured to me to illustrate Bach mathematically. Of course we've all looked at him that way. What would his canons and fugues look like as graphs I wonder? How would you graph it? x = time and y = tones, regardless of key signature, since it'll have all of them (instruemental scale that is, Bach wasn't into the whole ultra-sonic scene).

Hm. Not very interesting I don't think.

Oh, and I'm STILL annoyed at missing Chomsky's appearance at U of T last year around November/December. Ack. The only comfort may be that he didn't talk much about what I was looking for (linguistics and human behaviour). Instead he ranted on about the media and propagranda (source: Anibal, who was there, and I wasn't), only being PC about it.

Sometimes, it sucks to be Asian and feeling obliged to fulfill certain expectations, even though I've lived here for about a decade now. Just shut up and sit down. *bitch bitch bitch, I know*

April 20, 2000 - [22:45]

Bit of a storm today in Toronto. Nothing like the tycoons in Asia, which is not necesarily a bad thing, because that meant I could go out for a walk in the wind and spatters.

Listening to Bach's two-part and three-part inventions CD, I haven't listened to this CD for over four years. Bringing back many memories and sentiments and the pains. And some of them never really went far.

I've decided to devoid myself of any recognizable social life deliberately. I've also decided not to spend all my time in Faria's office dealing with camp. Pat's right, I don't really need to be in there all the time. I need to pay some more attention to myself.

No one else, it seems, is going to give me the royal treatment. I guess it's up to me now. I plan to spend my time well.

[18:50]

In the last few days, I saw a bird. It was dragging around a twig about 5 times its length like crazy. Hopping everywhere, and wiggling the stick about. I was almost late for class, so I couldn't stop and watch.

It was trying to break off a small branch.

Just as I was about to walk out of sight, it walked off triumphantly with a branch in its beak. I watched as it hopped over to the grass and laid it beside two other twigs that it had collected.

Everything has a soul. A vibrant essence that cannot be denied. I think I believe that. If I don't, what else could I believe in?

April 17, 2000 --- [22:59]

Society drives people crazy with lust and calls it advertising. - John Lahr

So what else is new?

[21:22]

Record number of hours a seventeen-year-old student stayed awake for a sleep-deprivation experiment, during which he experienced "confusion concerning his identity": 264 - Source, Shift Magazine, April 2000

They need to invest money into this kind of studies? You can pay me to live in my house when I pull a marathon like that. I sense one coming on in about a months time.

[00:41]

My dose of intellectual probing for the night.

I'm going to shut up about revamping this site. It'll be a miracle that I find time between composing/reading Godel, Escher, Bach/OACs/camp administration/the necessary amount of moping to keep myself sane, to do what I really want to this site.

Oh, and that web page I have to make for my dad. Ack.

Time was suppose to be a concept that everyone can relate to, not what everyone becomes enslaved to.

April 15, 2000 --- [23:54]

Ack. Haidi's site's format is so similar to mine. I suppose it's the logical approach to a site's first design, and all you really care is getting it up. (Well, maybe not her first. You catch my drift.)

And just when I thought the rest of the weekend's going to be relatively enjoyable, I start getting hell.

[21:58]

Finally went to see American Beauty today. (one down, how many more to go?) I now understand what all the rave and rant was about, and the movie captured my sense of beauty perfectly: the small things, the obvious things, and the unoticed things. Considering the number of people warning me about coming out the the movie being disturbed by the relationships in the movie, I'm more disturbed by the fact that I'm...well, not. (Sorry Pris, this was a saturday-wakeup-call-thing.)

About half a minute before going out to Andrew's place tonight, I was overwhelmed with an urge to rollerblade. The weather is perfect (21 degrees, cloudy, have yet to worry about putting sun screen on), there was a breeze in the air, and I missed being outdoors amongst all the simple and solitary things in life. So I put on my gears and bladded to Edward's Garden, and spent about two hours there. By the time I got home, It was kind of late to go to the party. Besides, I'm pretty sure that most people were too drunk by then to even notice that I'm not there.

The day might not have been perfect, but it was relaxing. See, I can do it if I make myself.

April 14, 2000 --- [00:36]

Happy birthday to you... happy birthday to you.... (you know who you are xoxo)

Someone with likely just as much work as I do. Misery loves company. ----> Been helping Patrick with his sarcasm essay for a while, this is a little spoof he wrote for fun. (Of course I like it, why else would I put it up here?)

April 13, 2000 --- [22:31]

I'm not getting any work done. Slightly irratable. Okay, very irratable. I'm considering going into social recluse just so I keep my bad vibes to myself.

No paintball for sure. I'd kill someone if I go now.

[17:07]

I hate the fact that I have new designs to work out with this site and I DON'T HAVE TIME TO IMPLEMENT THEM. It's always the same, too many things to do, too little time.

Me: So what's a radical way to help me stay up at night?

Faria: Drugs. Do drugs.

Sheldon's dad came in to talk to me about the camp today. Their parent's going through a seperation, and Sheldon's caught in the middle. I can't forget the way his dad said to me, "The way things are going, the camp is going to be the best thing for Sheldon all summer." I hope to hear from them again soon.

Aside from that, the day has been a crap day.

April 12, 2000 --- [23:31]

Aww...this is such a cute article. And yes, I do have a very twisted sense of cuteness. Actually, I just have a very twisted sense of aesthetics in general. Explains a lot of things actually.

[17:31]

Mononoke on DVD! Sweet!

Brocholli remains one of my favourite vegetables when cooked properly. Tons of work. Expect a load of writing here in the next two weeks when I decide to enlighten you on all the interesting things that's been happening to me.

And they are, very, interesting. Indeed.

April 11, 2000 --- [23:19]

Just returned from the launch (somewhere in that site should be the webcast) of the Olympic bid for Toronto. So that's where all the good looking people go and hangout. I'm too tired to write about it at the moment, but the guys there (Avery, Robert, Hazem, Tim and Alexi) are having a good time. Now that they've met this deadline that is. I'm still debating whether I should work on this come September. 5 months. Who knows.

Drunken CEOs is also an amusing sight. (How can those people not boogie with Prozzak playing in the background?!?!) I thought Mel Lastman was going to pass out after his speech, Sheila Copps had the most intellectually interesting speech with a touch of fiesta, and David Collonette is very differetn from what I remember of him.

Politicians, open bar, and handsome faces were the highlights of the evening.

Now. I have an english essay to write.

Did I mention it was snowing today? So much for April showers.

[00:01]

I miss caffeine.

[20:55]

Ever just... feel surreal? Very strange dream lastnight. I woke up thinking that I was awake, and now I'm in a dream. Very weird feeling, when a dream seems more real to you than reality. It is all in your perception. A dream exists in your mind, how do you know this reality doesn't? Too much philosophy for me...

[00:36]

Human existence is based on innate wants and needs. Love, belonging, affection, etc. Happiness, completeness is the fullfillment of those needs.

"I'm sure there are people out there who would give you what you ask for not because they feel they owe you, but because they want to." - Abdullah

April 9, 2000 --- [13:12]

I know what I'm listening to all day.

[01:44]

Physical existence must be meaning. I don't understand why western philosophies are so stuck in trying to seperate what is innate (perception, concepts) and what is matter (the perceived, the constructions). They do it simply because they can't properly proof it.

That idea is ridiculous to me.

That's like saying, I understand the concept of electricity (essence) and I understand the concept of appliances and technology (existence). What makes these two work though? Anyone can explain to you circuits and electrons, but what makes them work? What is that missing piece of the puzzle?

While I wait for an answer, I'm going to debate for the rest of my life whether electricity should be wholly credited, or the technology.

I need to do some more reading. (There's a Rach performance in Toronto? Where?)

One of my favourite Operas. Eventhough I don't listen to them very much. And tickets tend to be too expensive to be worth my while.

April 8, 2000 --- [18:34]

You've probably noticed a perdictable pattern of bitching and whining already, I've decided the easier way to do this is to tell you when I've STOPPED wailing and bitching.

Some wisdom that came to me through out various encounters today:

1. if you're caught off guard by a compliment, it's not necessarily because someone wants something from you

2. If you suspect someone's eyeing/starring/observing you, don't look to check. Chances are, they are.

I have finally gotten myself a copy of "Godel, Escher, Bach". And guess what? I only have time to read about 10 pages everyday. I'm going to put together a list of the things I need to do within the next 2 weeks. And give myself a heart attack. I just don't feel like I'm being productive and prepared as I usually am. I don't like the feeling of just barely making ends.

"My mom was yelling at me for drinking too much (milk)." - Arash

April 6, 2000 --- [23:25]

I can't believe it's here already. And while we're on the topic of movies, watching The Wars in my english class, the Candian Film Board production with Glenn Gould's composed music. I remember reading about it in his biography... gotta dig up that chapter to read again now that I'm studying it.

Me: "Can you pick up something for me at the mall?"

Pat: "Sure, as long as it's not feminine products."

The rest of this evening's going to consist of grapes, Propellerheads, lots of pepsi and generally unhealthy foods. For purposes no other than to keep me up. I've got a ton of psychology journal to sift through to find what I want for a research paper on depression evaluations and studies in society, and criticize their authenticity. Doing something like pollution or technology was too easy, I have copies of those essays ready to hand in. But ohhh no, Marg wants a challenge, Marg wants to learn, Marg wants to...

(...take a vacation shethinks.)

School and kids and parents and numbers and work makes Marg dull for boys.

"He's got a nice body, he's wearing velvet pants." - Propellerheads

April 5, 2000 --- [23:44]

Maybe it's me, but I've never liked Yamaha. They're like... McDonalds in the fast food business. Instead of making real piano, they just add gadgets and toys and cover up the fact that their mass production lowers individual quality of a piano.

Then again, this is the person who noticed that my piano is 3mm deeper than Patrick's piano. And he's accepted into Western! Woohoo! (Not that I'm happy he's going away, but, you know, I'm happy for him!)

Got mail today from OYP, applications to be on Cabinet. The only thing that's stopping me is that the first meeting is at the end of July, and I've got camp. I've still got mixed feelings about it. Bah.

I can "cusp" too, all you calculus people you. *grumble*

April 4, 2000 --- [21:55]

Holy shit. I'm worried sick. Literally.

I'm worried about Arash/YearDisc. But I know... some how... it'll happen. There are other people involved too. Arash just seemed like he was the core of the project. Maybe I've just neglected the other people like Bilal, Teper, and ken involved.

I'm... not really worried about the camp. But the interview happening, catching up with work, wanting to deal with all the calls and registrations, marketing, accounting, budgeting. If school and work happened independently of each other, I would be able to enjoy both.

I'm worried about people around me. A handful in numbers, a whole world in essence. I'm all tangled in them somewhere. Sometimes making a big difference, others just nudging gently at their sides.

I'm just anxious. Constantly. So much can't be said. So much needs to be said. But it just collects. With no where to go.

I think that's part of being imperfect. Deciding not how you're going to win, but how you'd rather loose.

Good golly. I gotta stop yammering.

Did I mention that I lend Patrick some piano books? I lend him four, and they were... perfect. For helping him do what he wants to. Or maybe I'm disilusioned by just how much I think I know him.

Yammer yammer yammer.

[20:11]

It's only April, and it's only today that Shoucas realized that the free subscription of Shift Magazine he's been receiving was a christmas gift from me.

Camp interview and registrations and flyers and bills. My god. All this is manifesting itself in three short months. Which can mean a lot of things. Patrick going away at the end of the summer, the schedule I'm going to impose onto myself during those two months, and the perdicatably unperdictable things that happen everyday at the camp.

Before all that, I just want to figure Arash out... he's doing something I thought about, and anticipated, but never predicted to happen. Till I've confirmed... I don't want to fret too much. So much is at stake with a simple "yes" and "no".

Oh, and as predicted. MIke may have brought the book, but I didn't see him all day. Patrick didn't bring his CD either.

Sweet consistency. Stay in those little things.

April 3, 2000 --- [23:56]

Been nagging Mike for a book for over a week now. (This is going to be a record for me) Nagged Patrick just tonight for a CD.

I wonder who'll get their stuff to me first.

My parents won't be home till at least Saturday when I come home for school tomorrow. Woohoo! I mean... uh... gotta... keep... discipline...

[22:32]

Highlights of my day: Ass Rangers, full mailbox in a day, $3000 worth of stuff, and philosophy.

Aristotle said that happiness is found somewhere between excess and deficiency.

I'm not sure what happiness is. For me or in general. All I know is that there are reasons to look up and smile once in a while. Ignorance and innocence are dearly missed today.

Anyone who's never heard of Miyazaki, you have not lived.

April 2, 2000 --- [17:31]

Headache.

Bad headache.

Can anyone tell?

No.

Good.

Back to work.

Note to self: keep smiling.

April 1, 2000 --- [16:08]

It's day light saving times boys and girls! Turn your clocks ahead one hour!

I have tons of reading to do. I've just discovered a Vivaldi Biography hidden in my own library of books, this'll be an interesting reflection of my own knowledge of music history and analysis. I'm also waiting for a book from Mike (I get it first Patrick :P), I can't recall the name, but the title has "Bach" in it, and it's about math and music and some other stuff. Mostly math. I've also got two chapters of philosophy reading to catch up to, as well as read up on some research about depression for my research paper (due in a week's time), and two looong online articles I gotta read and summarize.

And tonight I may skip down to the AGO for an event that Jackie organized.

Before the end of this month, I want to see Fantasia 2000, Boys Don't Cry, The Virgin's Suicide, American Beauty (I know...I know...), Post Mortem, Being John Malkovich (if that's still playing anywhere), and rent pi (or get it off avery, as soon as my computer comes back), 32 short films about glenn gould, and Last Night.

Oh, and I have 2 more english essays to write.

Is it Saturday afternoon already? But I just got here. *whine*