March 31, 2000 --- [18:45]

When asked what defines a family, how many people would know the right answers? How many would practice what they preached? How many would get this question wrong?

Current musical state: Garbage v.1 & 2

[15:39]

He's testing me.

Just come out and say it damn it.

And quit the tests. I could use less of life's irony.

"Step in twice, step in thrice, into the fire pits of hell. Fall in twice, fall in thrice, into this mad love of ours."

March 30, 2000 --- [22:42]

Aesthetics and beauty may be the degree of a blind eye we turn to imperfections. Or maybe it's the degree of understanding of deeper representations of aesthetics than that which meets the eyes. Or maybe they're the stardards of perfection for ourselves, what we'd like or prefer to be in a particular form. i.e. tea cup, landscape, the human form, music, etc.

So our lack of appreciation of aesthetics could be just a rejection of something we're trying not to become. "God I hate the way that guy laughs." Really means, I try not to laugh like that. And maybe it's less direct, "I can't stand how that girl shows that much skin." really is a personal struggle to not succumb to the stereotypical standards of beauty.

What do you think is beautiful? What does/should that say about you?

March 29, 2000 --- [19:32]

I'm starring at the notebook I got from Meaghan. I don't know what I want to write in it.

I'm always afraid to use notebooks. Especially pretty and nice ones. What do you write on the first page? I don't want to write down appointments and phone numbers down, that's what my planner is for. Maybe I should make this my music notebook, but the paper's so nice. Not much of a sketchbook, too big to be a telephone book, don't want this to become my philosophy log.

The preservation of perfection of an inanimate object is more important than the outpour of my emotions and thoughts.

I wrote my name in sparkly ink on the inside front cover.

[16:03]

"Down the crowded streets, up the alleys deep. Each corner I pass I seek, a reason for my search."

Conflicting feelings. What do you do?

Expect and believe in the worst.

As soon as I get some more compositions done, and get some preliminary recording done, I shall upload them here.

[00:22]

So it's not April yet. Bite me.

March 28, 2000 --- [22:21]

Alexi :: Are you FUCKING psychic?

I wish. You'd be surprised at what wonders simple deduction can do for you. Brain. It's there. Use it once in a while.

I have a date with clouds next week. There is hope. When clouds come and ask me for a date, there is most certainly hope. Friends are a strange thing. In my life anyway. They're fucked up. The ones here, the ones that've gone, the ones that are acting strange, the ones that I never expected to come.

It's a good sign when I can smile at the thought of them.

[01:14]

Curious behaviour. These people around me. Very curious. (lil voice inside: stop analyzing, it's not what you're thinking AT ALL.)

I finished the April index for next month. Pretty. I like it. So much that I wish it'll be april sooner.

[00:21]

Can't fall asleep.

Too...anxious. About things that I really shouldn't feel anxious about. And suddenly I think, for every perspective you gain, you also loose a perspective. That's kind of true. I think I forget what it's like to be a student after a summer of teaching. But I don't quite forget how it is like to teach. So that's not really a perspective lost.

Or maybe you can only loose a perspective once over or something. You forget what it's like to have crushes on someone older than you, or in an authoritative position to you. I certainly did, but I didn't realize I had lost it until I had to work from the bottom up again. So that's what it's like to look up to someone with admiration.

But I'm yammering again now, aren't I.

Whatever perspectives I think I may have re/discovered, it's still only my perspective. Can't just assume it's like that for everyone else. And then I get confused. And then I no longer trust what my senses are telling me.

And I can't fall asleep because I doubt the fact that I should doubt at all.

March 27, 2000 --- [21:41]

You know you're a geek when: Your friend starts a campaign entitled, "Help Marge Upgrade Her ICQ".

Relax. I'm just on a mac. (I can just see it now...save Marge from the dark side!)

[18:30]

Meetings. Meetings. Meetings.

Good meetings though. Very exciting and productive. I'm discovering that my tolerance for caffeine has significantly lowered. I had a mocca today at around 2pm, I was getting a head rush for the next two hours. I also missed an appointment with a parent, but thankfully Faria got a grade 9 to cover for me. (I'm entitled to one mistake this year, right?) Treated my YearDisc team to a pizza dinner. We also designed a kickass ad campaign to be released over a period of 2 weeks. If we put all the effort necessary to pull it off, the school will me amazed. I'm hoping anyway.

Ever find yourself in a series of distractions that runs in a loop? A good analogy would be something like this: Watch TV to distract yourself from work. Work distracts you from life. Life distracts you from going after ideals. Ideals are translated into your own work/pursuits. Watch TV to distract yourself from work, etc. How do you get out of one?!?!

Upcoming events that I'm not attending: NIN concert, Ryerson Student Show, Enigma Variations.

Upcoming events that I will be attending: Toronto Olympic Bid Web Site Launch (free drinks), SOMA (if I can dig up the money), recording studio session (woohoo!).

March 26, 2000 --- [12:20]

Found at the Glenn Gould School of Music:

EARL MLOTEK, Piano

Studies at University of Toronto with Boris Berlin and Walter Buczynski. Adjudicator and lecturer. Has given classes in piano literature and aesthetics. Contributor to RCM publications. Repertoire consultant for The Frederick Harris Music Co., Ltd. publications. Past executive member of RCM Alumni, Vice-President of ACNMP. Publisher of Student Musicians' Assignment Book. RCM faculty since 1978.

I am looking forward to meeting this man.

March 25, 2000 --- [19:39]

Reccently in english class we had a comprehension test on an article about digitlized TV, and how the box will be personalized and watch out for programs that you would want, etc. Launch is a place that I go to often, if there's nothing good on CBC radio 2 or Factory188. I heard it here first that someone's actually using it.

Already?

[18:42]

I have begun the composition that needs to be finished before summer. Ideas are swirling in my head. This is going to turn into one large project. (Does this mean I'll have to delay the photgoraphy thing again? *groan*)

Una found a friend who works at a professional recording studio, and if we are ever at the stage where we want to record, we'll just drop by at around 4am.

That's a pretty sweet deal considering it won't cost us a penny. I guess all they're waiting for are my compositions. And I have about 2 weeks to come up with some samples to work with. Ack... too... much... work... not... enough... time...

Stress Puppy: Someone who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.

I'm not whiny, am I?

[16:43]

I completely forgot that my dad was coming back today.

Wow. Am I just not paying attention anymore?

Are YOU proud?

March 24, 2000 --- [21:57]

Today was a beautiful day. 17 degrees. Natural sunlight. Frolicking ducks. Blue waters. Cream Chesse Bagel. Exploding soup containers.

I discovered today that I need to stare more often. Just out into the open, and stare. That's when I think best. That's when I have the time to think. And philosophize.

My most reccently quoted quote, "When I come out of this madness, I will either recover, or discover that it was no madness after all."

The crap that comes out of me sometimes. Yeesh. I'm seconding guessing this music pursuit (already). It seems...too late now. Too crazy. Too unexpected.

Come September, it will be very interesting. There's someone at my co-op placement I'd like to get to know. And I know I will. But that will be all, for now.

March 23, 2000 --- [23:25]

So I talked to Crowley tonight, and he complained of unrequited love. Talked to Meaghan about our mental states. Talking to both of them, I find myself able to settle a few things for myself.

Maybe settling it is too much, sorting it out and taking a different outlook is a better statement. Crowley's just a guy who doesn't understand female psychology. I had to dig a little into my own to try and talk to him about that.

Conclusion #1: I should talk to Crowley more about his psychology. I may learn something.

Meaghan's back from the trip, and she's certainly had some enlightening experience that I could learn from.

Conclusion #2: Meaghan and I are really one person, but somewhere in the gene pool we got spliced into two, and now we're found each other again.

The surprise is at the end of the road, get there somehow and pick up your prize. It's there, it really is.

[18:50]

Earl Mlotek. Hmm. This coninsidence/chance/destiny/fate thing is going a bit too far. In fact, it's all beginning to look like it's one big joke. A sick one too at that.

Heeding to some words of advice, I made some time to go at the piano today. I picked up Debussy's Second Arabesque very quickly, and I've gotten myself started on another composition. I'm very good at getting started, I need time to sit down and work on them. There's the one for today, the jazzy one that Anastasia/Una liked, and Patrick's "Harmonic Minor". I really miss being able to do the things that I WANT to do.

I'm am so FUCKING FRUSTRATED. The level of ignorance and incompetence and insensitivity surrounding me drives me crazy. Unfortunately, these aren't people that I can ignore, If they were, I wouldn't be so upset. And the brilliant part here is, there really isn't anyone else who could empathize or sympathize. That or I don't want them to know, I don't want to make people unecessarily worried about me. Something about that action suggests manipulation, I feel like I'm asking for attention that I wouldn't get otherwise. It feels wrong.

And now I want to argue myself that inevitably, everything we do has a factor of manipulation if you put it that way.

Make me ignorant and incompetent and insensitive PLEASE. If I stop caring, than it just won't matter. Acid anyone?

March 21, 2000 --- [23:49]

When a reoccuring comment is thrown at you from people that's known you for 1/2 a decade, people who's only known you for a week, and people who never see you but always have something wise to say when you meet, it's gotta hold some truth, right?

[21:17]

Johanne Sebastian Bach is 215 years old today. Reading a book that does mathematical analysis on music. This was given to me without a cover for some reason. I must chase down its origin. I've never really thought of key signatures as functions and motives as the common demoninator. I don't know what kind of person would actually sit down and look long and hard enough to study and compare, but I'm glad he did. Saves me the trouble.

Yearbook is looking quite nice. Actually, that's an overstatement, It really isn't as perfect as it can be. I don't have enough room for all the sports and clubs, and random acts of vandelism didn't help. Camp is really begining to pick up. 13 messages a day for general inquiries and registration is a lot of work. Since I'm skipping classes all week to finish up the book, I thought this was a good opportunity for Patrick to get started on some of his responsibilities. And start getting paid as well.

Things are passing by me so quickly. I remember the Christmas Break liike it was yesterday, yet I don't really recall doing anything on my birthday. Ah well, you only turn 18 once. Miss that chance and you're a pervert for wanting to go to a strip club. I guess I could wait till my retirement party. And yes, and I went out and got myself a really really really expensive present. It really was more for work and productivity, I haven't had time to have some fun with my new iMac DV SE.

It's kind of funny. Now 1/2 my friends are going to be giving me dirty looks and wispering under their breathe, while the other half...well, they won't change. They never really did make a deal of PC users. Macers are friendlier. *ducks*

Coming up with a revamp of this site. It's going to take time. Time that I need to catch up my sleep with.

March 17, 2000 --- [20:53]

The trains are catching up.

[17:08]

Dammit. I need a mac. I lugged Patrick's Bondi Blue iMac home yesterday, and I've spent all day on it today. My productivity has tremendously improved. I think I can actually finish the book! Two weeks late nontheless, but I'm going to finish the book! Maybe it's time I put myself in debt and buy myself a really really really expensive birthday present.

Speaking of birthdays, I'm not even going to be around to celebrate! I'm at work from 8am till 4pm (I've NEVER worked this shift before, and I wasn't even suppose to work this weekend, but that's another story), the African Jazz concert is at 8pm. And somewhere in between those two things I need to pick up the graduates section from Phyllis and Olivia, and return the computer to Patrick.

Meaning I really got to have my shit together by the end ot tonight. Meanwhile, I'm distracted by an internal debate between a notebook or a computer. I keep having to remind myself that the reason I'm making this purchase is for practical reasons, not novelty.

[00:23]

Happy Internation Day of Patricks! I wonder who actually drinks green beer the rest of the year. Hmm.

Had to call off the band-date (get it?) tomorrow, too much stuff going on at home, and I think my mother is still having difficulties about the fact that I was away for 4 whole days. This yearbook thing is also keeping me very anxious and sufficiently stressed out. This is when responsibility overwhelms me...when everything needs me at the same time.

I should've seen this coming shouldn't I? Stoopid.

March 15, 2000 --- [23:53]

Here's the OYP rant. Now I must sleep. Too much work to be done, and too little time. The perfect way to take adventage of a relaxing weekend is to dive right back into work. Yeup. Camp, yearbook, web sites...etc.

[18:08]

Well, looks like there were other parties happening this past weekend as well.

I wonder whether these people will be remembered as the innovator's of the web or just hippies of the information age. If I had time I might attempt to transform this page into a blog, just to keep my life a little bit more sane.

There are some parts of Toronto (i.e. The Scarborough Bluffs) that were just not meant to be reached by means of TTC. I beg to differ.

March 13, 2000 --- [23:11]

I'm back from a weekend free of internet. Such bliss.

It has been a weekend filled with legislations, debates, new and (very) interesting people, and some interesting activities. Actually, they're precisely the kind of activities that I would avoid at all cost to participate in. Things like hollering cheers, dancing to Wild Wild West, and slamming tables and stomping my feet.

Once you realize that everyone is doing it, the bandwagon syndrome kicks in. I'll make a better post in my scrapbook later.

Checking my messages and voice mail (consisting of about 20 messages from parents wanting info about the camp. Maybe 2 will register their children). Paul is rightly concerned about my state. So strange though to know he reads this stuff here. Just remember this is the dump. Everything at the end of the day (or a weekend) goes here. Don't worry, if I'm suicidal I'll let you know. I'm not that self-destructive.

Besides, the weekend escape did me well. Until Patrick hugged me at my door in front of my mother, and thus setting off some interesting fireworks in the house. But that's another deal.

March 9, 2000 --- [22:21]

I'm FUBAR. And I'm going to run away from all my problems with Patrick to Brantford.

Well, not really running away, really being dragged away kicking and screaming. (I'll get to that in a bit.)

A few intersting interactions today. Derek, whom I hardly know except by face, mentioned that he's seen my site. Knowing that there may be people who are judging me based on the content of this site MAY be the pressure I need to do some real work on this space. Also bumped into Carolyn. God, I missed her. Didn't hug though, I was just too suprised o see her. Also saw Ms. Yellowlees shopping with her husband, so weird...for many reasons.

(This'll be my last rant before next week, let me indulge.)

I'm going to kill Patrick. Today I was running around trying to do some last minute thing. Yearbook is due by the end of March Break, I was going crazy trying to burn a CD of all the stuff. I didn't get any of that stuff done and I will probably hop by the school early in the morning to get all that shit together. Lots of last minute photo shoots today, including my own staff. Some camp advertising deadlines, calling up people from Finance at TDSB, recovering from 4 hours of sleep and a feasibility study report (I think ours was the best in the class, we'll see.), english interview for my ISP, ordering tickets to see my concert, etc. Those were the major things. I won't go into the little things like, recovering my wallet, still don't have keys, and...well I said I won't go into them.

NOW. Patrick neglected to tell me about a formal banquet held on sunday night and I need a FORMAL DRESS. I have one, but I have to get it ready. Dry cleaned, etc. There's also the problem of matching shoes and accessories, etc. I can only assume Patrick thought nothing of it cuz all he has to do is bring an extra suit, and didn't take into an account that I might need more than 24 hour notice about preperation like that. I'm going to go for the plain Jane look instead.

FUCK.

It's half past ten, I haven't packed, I'm eating dinner, I'm all antsy and anxious cuz I'm TOTALLY ignoring my stress and oblivously running away from them. Something that I have never done before. (Thanks? Patrick?) And to all...

Meaghan: Hope you're having as much fun as I am

Ken: Good luck with your portfolio and new hobby.

Una/Anastasia: Be prepared when I come back to jam!

Mike: PLEASE have that layout stuff done for me! And harrass me for work when I return.

Anibal: Almost forgot you. Pool when I return? With sam too.

Pris: I expect you to be alive when I come back.

My staff: I need you. I love you. Please, talk to me when I get back!

Carolyn: I'll bring the drinks, you bring your car. You know where we're going. Call!

And now...I must pack. How am I going to get my nicely pressed dresses to go into a bag and come out wrinkle-free? Damn you Patrick. Damn you to hell you insensitive bastard.

Evil person making me take vacation. *grumble*

Pepsi's tasting better than coke tonight.

[1:01]

Should I have expected something else from my fellow species? One could always hope.

Don's having a bitch day. I feel the same way at the moment, about similar but further along plans. It's not greed, just striving for perfection.

Oh god. I should watch where I submit my stuff on the net. There was a small passage that I had submitted to a page, and I haven't visited that site for at least a year now. I went back to day, don't know what drove me...and BOOM. My quote is the first of the randomized lines.

The really strange thing is, I was reading it thinking, wow, I can really relate to that. Who wrote it? And then I saw the name, not really recognizing it, and slowly it occured to me that I might've used an alias like...well I can't tell you. Then you'll find me! But some feelings, it seems, haven't changed over the past few years.

March 8, 2000 --- [23:40]

God...so much ranting and bitching in the last few days. I have some new on-going projects now, the 5k contest (stick a really really good, but under 5k, suggestive picture on a page, caption will read: Another 5k of wasted bandwidth), photography (finally the ball's rolling), and music. When I come back from Brantford this weekend, I'll go back to filling this space with less of the quirks in my life and more, stuff.

From: Frood, 11pm, Ryerson Polytechnic University

...but ive got an 8 o'clock class and im not sure if it will end early enough (see the logic behind me sleeping over?(well not exactly SLEEPING over(i really like parentheses)))

im guessing youre on a similarly tight schedule, waitaminit.. i thought you said you were finished with cyberarts.. hmmm. now im curious as to what youve been up to. ok, i must get back to work, maybe i write again later.

frood

I feel like a smiling banana split. That or my grin just isn't big enough. It's not the quantity of time, it's the quality of time.

And Dan, don't apologize. I'm not sorry, so neither should you. I have no regrets.

March 7, 2000 --- [23:36]

Meaghan leaves in 5 hours? I thought she leaves on Thursday! Bon vogage m'lady, make use of those last few days when you're not working to relax, bring me back some contageous virus. There's one called happiness floating around here, I expect you to return with all corresponding symptoms. For a few days at the very least.

[21:51]

Mind wandering about what to do with Anibal. (I really should work on my computers and english and philosophy hwk) There's only one of three things that we'd do if we went out. Hang out around his turf downtown (the piece of land with a radius of 3 km from Ryerson), play shoot-em-up zombie games, knuckle-bruisin' game of air hockey, or pool.

At one time, after spending an intense session in a dark arcade, we stepped out into the day lite street. We looked at each other, obviously contemplating pulling out our imaginary guns and start shooting things for points.

The following was a suggested system from an follow-up e-mail (old archives) (god I have stuff from like...Cooper...ew. Trash.):

crippled: 5 points, old people: 10 points, old/crippled people:20 points, women & children: 1 point ea. dogs: -30 points, cats: 25 points, politicians: 50 points

Normal friends are boring.

Oh, Andrew's on a plane now, going off to England for two weeks. That bastard. When he comes back I want to hear his pub hopping/crawling stories.

[20:34]

14 degrees sunshine weather. How could someone turn down an invitation for a walk?

Really haven't been to Edward's garden for a long time. Last time I was there, Anibal had a creative block for a movie that he was making. It was icy. He was wearing boots, I was wearing heels. I was terrified of slipping. Did I mention that I was wearing a skirt? While making fun at my extreme caution going downhill on a trail covered in ice, he slipped and fell on his back. I have never seen someone stand up so quickly after such an embarassing and hard fall.

Gotta go bug him this March break about New Orleans. He MUST tell me all about it and show me pictures.

Oh, and Heaven isn't happening. Just as I thought. That's the second one now. I'm still not in possession of the Rachmaninoff manualscript that Patrick promised me back in January. Gotta tone down the level of hope I allow myself to indulge in.

Yearbook update: I am TOTALLY finished up to page 73. I still have 30 more pages to go.

Just 30 more pages. What do I have planned? 4 pages for the school show, 2 pages for the music groups. Sports...I'm a little fucked up on that. Okay, I'm really fucked up on that as well as the clubs. 2 pages for Fhera, 4 pages for Orbit staff...so say 15 pages of clubs and sports and other things that I'm doing. and 15 pages of student life and events. I can DO this. Arr.

And no Kate, not wanting to celebrate a birthday doesn't make me queer, it brings me closer to Ahmad. That's all.

[4:23]

Yak yak yak. Going to wake up in 3 hours. *frown*

[3:25]

"Margaret, TELL me if things are becoming too stressful for you."

"I know."

"No, you don't know. Your mother's trained you so well to take stress that you don't even know how to tell people anymore. You can't do that anymore, you need to tell me."

"I will."

Faria's right.

I keep writing stuff here and then deleting them and writing and deleting. I am disagreeing with myself just about all the time, at least I can agree on that. It's past 3am in the morning, and my body's complaining.

Sorry buddy, stick with me just for a few more days. Just a few more. Don't bail on me too.

That sentence suggests that I am being bailed and abandoned. That's not true. (This, is where the disagreement starts.) But...just stick around. Without you I can't play, I can't work, you're just a shell but I have no way of expression myself in even the most limited ways.

Sentiments are threatening to spill over. They haven't for the past few weeks, I don't plan to let them now. This isn't unhealthy suppression, I just don't think that feeling like this is right. I'm not suppose to feel like this. Not that I know anything about the right feelings. Does anyone?

I still don't see why I should succumb to my emotions at the moment. It's wonderful to let them out, but I should learn by now that in the end, it accomplishes nothing.

So far my arrythmia's only irregular rhythms, not a missed beat. I may be skipping a beat and just not realize it, damaging my brain as we speak. I won't know till they're finished with the tests. I honestly don't think this is all that serious, but a temporary episode that'll come back down after some time.

Last time this happened, which was a few years ago, I had only confided with Patrick and Meaghan. Or was it just one of them? Anyway. Nothing big. I didn't think anyone was too worried. The topic was brought up again reccently. I discovered that someone feared for me at the time.

And still, I don't know what to feel. I don't know whether it's right to feel like...that. And no one seems to want to tell me the answer, or they don't know themselves either.

Hmm. 'Slipped Disk' by Luke Vibert, where have I heard you before? (Comfort zone?) Jazzy trippy trancey, soothing. Very.

March 6, 2000 --- [23:46]

9pm. E-mail: margaret...i'm scared as hell. and no one understands.

Do you believe in fate? I do.

Not the fate that you read about in romance novels. Not the fate in the Star Wars Trilogy.

Do you know what the nature of fate is?

The nature of fate is a balance. A delicate balance. What goes up, must come down. And vice versa.

You don't know what friendship and companionship is until you've been lonely. You don't know what cherishing means until you've lost something forever. There is no way you can understand love if you haven't been loved. And there's no way to know that the weather is beautiful until you've been through weather that can kill you.

How will you know that someone understands if you haven't felt alone? How will you know you're safe until you've felt fear and terror?

There was once a time when all I could do was preach this and actually could not bring myself to smile through troubles. I can do that now. Some what.

I think the trick is to really believe in it. Like the faith that you invest into your fear and anxiety. If only you can put as much faith into believing in the nature of fate.

If only. (Makes me want to roll my eyes)

Try. For me?

(Yeah, and who gave me the god damn authority? Sit down. And shut up.)

[23:15]

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stooopid. *whacking head against a wall*

Stupidity #1 - I left my medication at home. Lost keys. Also managed to loose wallet. Very bad. I felt like someone stapled my stomach and my chest. Not an arrow. But a big assed staple. *pressure*

Stupidity #2 - Jostens Yearbook YearTech personnels aren't very techie. Hell, I could take over their job twice over. Assumptions are dangerous, but no one's ever died assuming that the sun was going to rise again tomorrow morning. In fact, it's considered to be an accepted code of behaviour.

Stupidity #3 - I've been waiting for a H8 tape, a zip disk, and developed photos respectively for the past week. I needed them friday. I still have none of these things. This is more like a bitch. But it was probably something stupid on my part.

Aside from all such things, today was a relatively plesant day. The weather is approaching appropriate cloud gazing temperatures. I expect to lie on the grass and have ants crawling all over me while I pretend I'm stuck to the the ceiling of heaven. I'll drop Steve a note on my latest.

[1:02]

Still awake. Yeup. Despite all good advice from people, including professional advice, I'm still awake.

A nurse said to me today while I was at the hospital, "You're a cute girl, what's stressing you out?"

What exactly, does my "cuteness" have to do with my level of stress? That wasn't what I was thinking of till I got home, at the time I just wanted to know how she knew I was stressed out.

Then later tonight, I had gotten another compliment from someone. Usually I would've just waved it off as a joke, a playful compliment, but...it seemed inappropriate suddenly. I wish March break would come quickly. Unfortunately I must make it through the yearbook deadline first. Then I can look forward to the next meaningless goal that I am going to achieve.

I feel numb again. Only this time, it's not really confortable. It's all over my left side.

And that. Is a bad sign.

Last musical state: Cassius

March 5, 2000 --- [21:52]

God. I'm going to kick Patrick's ass.

I went for a ECG test today at the hospital, they had suspected that I had Arrhythmia, and this is the first part of the tests. Next week some time I'm going to have to stay over for a night. At least it's during March break. I'm taking it a good sign that they didn't ask me to go back right away for the next part of the test. I feel too young to be having heart problems. Oh yeah, did I mention that my mother never actually knew about this? This is causing much strain on her at the moment. Yippie.

Spent an hour and a half on the phone with him, it probably would've been longer if we didn't have homework to do. We went back to the ancient old problem: making a right and good decision for myself. And some other problems he has with the way I generally function as an abnormal human being.

And even with him I have the problem with communication.

"I'm not understanding your riddles."

"What riddles?"

I honestly didn't think I was being cryptic or indirect, but I was. One of the few people that has been able to tolerate me long enough to hear me talk, and I still can't TALK. Maybe the key is to explain all the factors that makes me say, "It depends." It drives a number of people crazy.

He's resolved to find out the phone number of that chick he met at OFSSA the past few days. "She's too good, I'm too evil." What a load of crap.

*sigh* Patrick. If only you knew more. If only you could finally understand. Maybe then you'd know why I do the things that I do. And no, I was wrong. I could be in New York right now, but I would've missed you, and a whole lot of other people and things.

[13:39]

I'm in a hospital at the moment, writing this up in a hospital bed. Turns out the doctor with me's into web design, he lend me his laptop so I could show him a few things. He's busy doing other stuff that doctor's do, whatever they may be. This is, ladies and gentleman, the ultimate ride.

Ken. That little bugger. Finds love and doesn't tell me. Everyone tells me after the fact. ALWAYS. Well, Anibal excepted. And I would except Patrick too, only he was heavily hinting and wasn't talking to me about it till the entire planet knew except for me. I guess I'm easy to forget. Still, I was the only one who knew that Patrick was breaking up with Jackie before he actually did. Okay, so I'm easy to forget when there isn't trouble and there's no need for my counsel. I feel the love. Yeup. I do.

I saw a cat yesterday. I was walking down the streets last night, and noticed a cat on the grass. It was one of those wild and tall grass areas, right by a bridge. In fact, I was there because I wanted to visit that bridge. It stared at me without moving, I could feel the anxiety and fear coming from that little cat. I made the mistake of taking my hand out while still standing up.

You're humongously threatening to a cat on the ground when you're wearing a big long coat.

It dashed away to hide under the bridge I was walking on. Like a bullet.

I wonder where that cat was from. What it has gone through for it to run away so quickly. It's like the questions I ask myself, what is it that I am afraid of. What is it that I'm running away from.

There was an angel in the sky last night. It pointed towards the way back home for me. I hope there's one out there for the little one I met tonight.

And to all my big brothers and big sister wondering why the fuck i'm in a hospital. Long story. I'm here for a reason, and the nurses are giving me dirty looks for not doing what they're asking me to. I shall inform when I return tonight.

Heaven isn't going to happen really, is it? *ponders* *sigh*

March 4, 2000 --- [18:33]

"Margaret, you need a boyfriend."

Anibal mentioned this proverbial truth to me during a brief conversation on the phone. Apparently Karin helped him derive to this conclusion too.

Karin and I love the same things. Esthero, Neil Gaiman, Anibal. Well, okay. I don't LOVE Anibal like that, but you get the idea. There is, however, an interesting sub-plot to all this. Nothing evil.

My conclusion: If Anibal had derived to that conclusion on his own, I might take it as some solid advice. However, since he did not, I'll just keep myself amused that the topic's even brought up.

[14:45]

Second break of the day. Productivity is very fulfilling. Also have some unexpected but welcomed company. Coming into the school on a saturday, what's wrong with those people???

Productivity is also inspiring. Ooh...inspiration. I am filling my little black book with photo concepts and musical scribbles. Feeling more real as a social humanoid, the rush from the realization and appreciation that you are alive.

Maybe spending more time with good company is what I need. *ponders*

Current musical state: The Sunshine Underground, Chemical Brothers.

[11:50]

I've been at school now since 9am, surrounded by solitude, Armstrong, Beck, Chemical Brothers, The Cure and Beastie Boys. It's like I'm throwing a party, only it's really a work marathon.

I actually kind of like this. Loud music. Enough room for me to do cartwheels. Working technology. No one telling me to turn the music down, or clean up my mess, or sit properly on a chair, or tell me to stop singing out loud.

Unusually cheery and plesant mood. I'm not complaining. I'm just weary of this rollercoaster ride up and down. I want to step off the ride and slow down my heart rate to a normal rate.

Maybe spending more time with myself is what I need. *ponders*

March 3, 2000 --- [22:49]

Ssssshyt.

I said I'll let off the bitching and sulking till march break. That's only a week from now. I can get there with a clear head. My issues are temporarily unimportant. *breathes in*

Got the postcard from Anibal when he was in New Orleans last week. He's back in Toronto, haven't talked to him yet though. I have things to smile about from the postcard, I also have things I am worried and anxious about.

But I'm going to choose to smile.

March 2, 2000 --- [23:20]

Sound advice of the day: "Well you know a sense of peace without the twisted part would be good."

Curtesy of the keepers of maggieland. (Don't ask.)

Went down to C'est What for dinner with Joseph. I got a call from him at 2am this morning. I thought I had dreamt that until my brother asked me who called me so late at night this morning. Didn't bother going home after school, I went straight downtown. I have begun to plan my escape plan for march break. I want to visit the Green Room, Comfort Zone, Glenn Gould Studio, and some other places. The plan is to be out as often as possible, and be as hard to find as possible. The hard part here is the execution.

And of course, meeting with Joseph was really a mistake. An innocent one for 2am in the morning. Bruise on my lip's gone, and apparently so has my hard feelings. Any feelings towards him for that matter. I enjoyed the food, the busy street outside, the wonderful music they were playing (bjork, garbage, esthero, and some other bands I didn't recognize). I think I even freaked him out a little by being so pleasant. I honestly was just enjoying myself, just not necessarily with him.

The rest now, with him, is history. He can think whatever he likes to think. He's not my responsibility.

Got home, dug out the two garbage albums that I have, and reflected on some frozen peach yogurt.

If flesh could crawl my skin would fall from off my bones and run away from here. As far from god, as heaven is wide. As far from god as angels can fly.

Send me an angel to love, I'm afraid I'll never get to heaven...

March 1, 2000 --- [22:34]

Ooo...hollow vaccum feeling in my stomach, dry eyes, fatigue. This is why I don't like romantic comedies. The only thing I got out of the movie was that I want to see The Ninth Gate with Depp, Mission to Mars, and The Whole Nine Yards. And Titus.

Got an e-mail from Pris today. That chick is just as bad as I am. Well, maybe better.

There's a general ora of uneasiness that haunts me. Are all of us going to turn into frogs at the stroke of midnight and I happened to hae missed the announcement? Or is it just that time of year when everyone is stressed out for one reason and another? Maybe my nerves are being hyper-sensitive again, and all that's happened is that someone's broken their nail.

Hmm.

Tito isn't going to stay at Don Mills forever. I wonder what would happen and who would replace him if he should leave, pushing buttons at a high level.

[00:09]

Dude! That's so crazy!