February 29th, 2000 --- [22:20]

Today I woke up feeling unbelievable unrested and agitated. Then I progressively sedated myself with mindless school assignments, phone calls, faxes, and yearbook layouts (I think I'll camp over-night at the school this weekend). My eyes felt like they were shrivelling up in my sockets. Got home, took a shower, reasonably relaxed. Until my mother decided she wants a big clean up of the house after she's been sick in bed for a week. Essentially she told me what to do.

Getting ready to go to work (I should talk about that some time. On second thought...), I looked at myself in the mirror to see the scars of a crap day.

I didn't look so bad. Even I could see a trace of the cuteness that I think everyone else is imagining in their minds. Driving to work, the sky was stunning. (I'm biased. The sky is always stunning to me) While I was driving there was this humongous cloud that resembled a music symbol stretching across the atmostphere. The weather's getting to be like the kind where I can cloud-gaze again.

Shift ended early, got home at around 9:30pm. Got my hands on a pair of tickets to see David Duchovny and Minnie Driver in a sneak preview of their new movie, "Return to Me". Romantic Comedy, just the kind of movie that I wouldn't pay for to see, but yearn to experience it with someone who's fun.

And of course, everyone that I knew would be free tomorrow night isn't home. What the hell. I'll take my brother.

I had been listening to a jazzy tune on my way home. It had sang:

When your heart is on fire, you do realize that there's smoke in your eyes?

That made me laugh for some reason. Not a cynical one, a heart-felt one.

Anyway, being in an relatively chippy mood compared to the nasty witch that woke up in my bed this morning, my day was completed with take-out Japanese Maki set.

I have a weakness for anything Japanese.

I. Am. Jello.

And this marks the end of the broadcast for February 2000. Stay tune next month as Marge reveals the horrors of celebrations, deadlines, and politics that arise from the fact that you are the boss of your peers.

February 27, 2000 --- [22:11]

Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing each other again?

Pale as a ghost I am today. I have resolved to transfer all negative energy to some down to earth work that I've been putting back. I have all of march break to feel sorry for myself. Right now I'm too busy to deal with that.

I love pet stories. *sigh* Unfortunate that I don't have one. I have no preference between cats and dogs. It will be most lovely if I can have both.

My faith in humanity has not completely dissipated yet. Some people still have a conscience.

Hey, I guess I'm not that alone with my gender/friendship/security/frustration/bitchassed issues. I feel better. Even if just a touch.

[13:22]

I went to bed around midnight, and woke up at around 2 in the morning after another strange dream. It was really twisted and sick. I spent the rest of the night listening to the Magnolia soundtrack on infinite repeat.

And my mind wandered back to Steve once more. It's been a year since he's left, and a year since happier things have happened to me. I had spent the rest of the morning contemplating how real my life has been since then. Because upon reflection, I don't seem to trust my senses anymore. Happiness and love and security are becoming more and more like deceptions the more I think about them.

And I hate. feeling. like. this.

What you hope is love is just another thing that he'll be careless of. But through there are caveats galore, you've only got to love him more. And you do, you really do. Even when it's all to clear. - Aimee Mann

February 26, 2000 --- [23:22]

I want to leave this planet and live with aliens from another dimension or another solar system.

Meaghan's in just as bad a mood as I've been all day and last night. A different kind. Hers is based more on annoyance, mine's based more on unsureness. Apparently she was suppose to meet up with Ken, and drink at her basement. There was something about it suppose to be a surprised for me. Though I guess all that is just about Meaghan's presence. He's getting a little predictable with that. Though it does let me see Meaghan more often.

You know. I can't believe it's been almost two years, and she's doing better than me, who's had over five years. There's a strange feeling towards her. Not jealousy, but respect and some admiration. I've ceased to see her appearance. All I feel when I'm with her is the core of her being, something that I can only know by intuition. I wished more people see what I see in her. But perhaps I've idealized the situation as usual.

There's still that part of me that hasn't grown up, but desperate needs to, and wants to. And sometimes I get lost. I loose perception of the difference of me and her. And I think what I am doing to "help" her, I'm doing to help myself. She may be the only one who knows that part of me with her intuition like no one else can. Yet she can't help. I don't think if I'd ever dared to ask her, if only in fear of making a mistake on my part, and possibly hers. I'm responsible for that part of me, all she did was brought her to life once again before me.

That part of me revived by her is still awake, if not more awake than ever. The problem with being awake comes when you realize that the nightmare hasn't disappeared. That every waking moment, a wrong turn could have you tumbling down a downward spiral.

I'm not bitching. I'm not complaining. I'm trying to get things out so that at least I can understand what's going on in my head. But maybe this is the wrong place to do it.

[20:55]

He got home from last night. I can't help but wonder if I'm over reacting. The smallest things have freaked me out lately, and larger problems and crisis haven't been psyching me out. It's all very strange. I woke up startled last night, for some reason convinced that I had missed my wedding for a full 5 minutes. This morning, I got woken up at around 7 in the morning and had to take my mom to the doctors for a little bit of an emergency. I switched my clothing twice.

Hmm...time to register again to volunteer this year. Last year was a blast.

February 25, 2000 --- [22:03]

I took the car out to look for Ken. If there was something I could do, it was to pick him up and make sure he gets home. Based on the vague goographic details he told me, I went in search for him along the streets with a worried and sick mind. I had no luck.

Having feel a bit better that I am at least trying, I got home just now and plan to call him around midnight, just to see if he's home. Upon the opening of the door, I was greeted with the disapproving tone of my mother.

I'm not angered, just frustrated, again. She had the right reasons to disapprove of my actions, but I also had all the right reasons to make my actions. That little episode made me forget about Ken for just a slight moment, until my mind raced once more with the different possible scenerios that can happen in the next hour or so.

I can't help but feel that I might've missed him as I was driving down the night cloaked streets.

[21:19]

It doesn't take much for my heart to skip a beat. A phone call. A groaning voice. Traffic in the background. And my imagination.

Oh, I am finding tons of stuff on San Francisco. I might start putting some of these research up.

[16:26]

Fhera Khan, a student from our school, passed away from a stroke last night. She had left school yesterday she wasn't feeling well. I had arrived at school late, because I had to take my mom to see a doctor this morning, arriving to see the flag lowered and a large and solemn group of students at the front of the school. Inside, the front foyer was filled with people standing quietly or sitting down on the floor. Even the most annoying and obnoxious people were respectful and quiet. You see a different side of things when a crisis like this happens.

So strange it should happen around now. There are many "anniversaries" for me around february, not that they make me want to go out and celebrate. Though there are some. I guess it won't be just me anymore when I say to myself, "Has it been another year already?"

A few people (okay, two) wants to start up a band, and they're planning to make a demo tape. They've expressed interest that they want me to compose. I've never composed for vocals before. This might be fun. They're also going to be very busy till the summer, gives me time to play a bit. No pressure.

Feubrary 24, 2000 --- [19:45]

If there is ever a time that I feel the effect of not having a man or a father around, it is when my mother falls ill. I'm not complaining, or point fingers. Just venting a little.

Note to self: Don't listen to Aimee Mann in the car when you're driving by yourself.

It's not going to stop till you wise up, so just give up.

[00:08]

It's today?!?! *sigh* (Re: Birthday Boy) I suck. I totally, totally, suck.

February 23, 2000 --- [20:42]

Everything. Is. Happening. March. 11th.

Rain. Outside. I wish I could open up the windows and feel the breeze and hear the rain splattering on the ground, and the splashes cars make ass they sizzle over web pavements. Even when I'm inside, I have a craving to be out there, feeling the droplets of water falling over me, while writing on a waterproof notebook, waterproof laptop, and wearing clothes that I wouldn't mind getting mud on.

If I close my eyes, I could hear the chorus of raindrops, hitting the ground one after the other, like a music fall filled with applause.

[19:12]

Hmm...all that made so much sense when I wrote it...now it sounds like crap.

It's not what you thought, when you first began it. You count what you want, you can hardly stand it though. But it's not going to stop. It's not going to stop. It's not going to stop till you wise up.

Some things just keep coming back to haunt you. In a good way, depending on how you look at it. You let what you want go, and you let what you can't stay.

k10k's got a little makeover, same old attitude. Should catch up to my reading there.

[2:12]

Even perscripted drugs can kill you. If I had taken it tonight I would've slept till 9am at least. That's when my first class starts.

I usually don't switch on the computer this late, even if I had just woken up and won't be falling asleep for another half hour (Dean Koonz comes to my salvation at times like this. Right now anyway). I just woke up feeling strangely depressed. The dream I've just had was beyond sense, it's what I think dreams should be like: ideas, feelings, concepts, represented in their physical, sensical counterparts or symbols.

If I had a canvas with me, I think I would surprise myself with what I could do. That wasn't the reason for this current state of mind, as I listen for the midnight traffic outside my window. It was a good dream, if you could define dreams of that sort as good or bad. It felt calm and contented, without fears and questions, total security and comfort. Won't tell you what the physical representations were of these ideas and feelings, it'll give you a completely wrong idea.

What's sadden me is that I have no way of keeping a record. A way to allow that experienced happiness (even thou it may be nonexistent) leave a physical impression in the world that I've found myself awoken to.

I question things. Especially if it originates from my head. The way I perceive things, my intepretation of the feedback I gather from my sense. Questions of aesthetics, of truths, of understanding and intepretations. I don't want any assumptions to become fact before being scrutinized. There are no questions about morals, ethics, goodness and badness. I define those for myself. As to what other thinks, I've just told you. I question the way I understand and perceive you, and never am I settled with what I know right now.

In other words, I don't know anyone.

Others of course, will not perceive me this way. They see the many people I have to interact with everyday, the ones that I am especially close and attached to, the ones that are just as close and attached to me. I am not claiming that these people are strangers. This eternal questioning, is misunderstood, and people just think I have extreme states of paranoia and insecurity.

I should disagree, if I really stood up for my morals and drew my own lines of ideals. But maybe I'm the one trying to see beauty and intellect into something that's really just one big mess.

February 22, 2000 --- [21:53]

Now I understand why so many people favour brute violence to confront their problems. I don't have that problem I had yesterday anymore. All at the price of a slightly bruised lip.

Did you know that 90% of women who purchase bathing suits don't actually go into the water?!?!

"Fascinating." Said she to herself.

I wonder sometimes how I can be so ignorant about my own gender. Fortunately, most people don't notice. If anyone does, I might be burnt at the stake. Or find myself with a tank of tropical fish (I hate goldfish, they're really really dumb) and a german sheppard making me sneeze all the time when I'm 85.

Everything about African rhythms came back to me today, after watching a performance by a heritage group. First I didn't realize what I was looking for, but I found myself remembering all those things about how a "drum n' dance" group was a reflection of the tribal structure, variations, improvisation, etc. Maybe I'll put up a section for that in the scrapbook. Delicious reminiscence.

I finished the mailing list. I found a wet roller thing, sped up up sealing process.

February 21, 2000 --- [22:20]

When you have to make a choice between a great friend, and a wonderful friend, who are both going very far away after or during the summer, what are you suppose to do?

Basically I've found myself caught in an important commitment with both of them, and it's going to happen on the same weekend. Not just any commitment, but the equivalent of plans that you make a month before hand. I need to rearrange things, and not to kill myself too much over the yearbook deadline in 2 weekend's time.

If I could get their stream in high quality and stereo, I would be tuned in every night. I've caught many memorable tracks on this station. I wish I could get music like this without spending a fortune on imports and rare releases.

[18:27]

Gorgeous weather. 5 degrees is a blessing after a week of 30 below weather. And that blasted wind.

Patrick's trying to talk me into going to OYP (Ontario Youth Parliment), since he's the only person in the school going. Amidst the shuffling, folding, licking and stamping (mailing list, what were you thinking?), and the usual insults we throw at each other at random, I think I agreed to go with him. If I do go, it'll be more for the experience rather than the political engagement. Or maybe the fun is going to be the political engagement with people going for the same reason I am.

I've decided that I need to take it for granted that I'm taking a trip this summer to keep myself sane. That and I think it's not fair to have Ken dance on his toes while deciding on where exactly it is that he wants to go and juggling the work he's got, AND that he may not actually have a travelling companion. (Am I allowed to say this here? Or is this suppose to be a hush hush thing like last time? I never know.) It is, also possible, that I'm overestimating the importance of this.

Anibal's wynkin' devil clip.

February 20, 2000 --- [22:22]

Tonight was the first x-files I have seen in a long long time. Flipping back and forth to "Flowers for Algernon", a good read. Taking my dosage in half tonight, don't want to sleep through first period tomorrow.

I did NONE of the organizing of my work like I told myself to. The only feat I would like to be credited with is throwing up more than I actually ate. I also decided that I really really would love to go away again this summer for a week. It's a step toward manifestation.

[17:21]

M: Just...don't pass out if I end up not being able to go with you. I really hope that won't happen.

K: Sigh okay

M: many things are out of my control

K: thats your decision yah

M: sigh

K: sigh

M: so help me change

K: I tried

M: Not going to anymore?

K: We'll see

M: Hmmm….

I feel like I just killed someone. Or did something horrible. And this is when I feel like seeking salvage in my ditch.

[17:02]

"Yeah, thanks for the idea. My ear hurts. We made plans, I was on the phone with her for five hours. Do you do that?"

"Yes. Yes I do. Just not all the time. Don't worry, it's okay."

"That's good. We're going to go see a movie together. Thanks again."

You know, maybe I should publish all the comments guys I know have said about relationships, just before getting involved in one, while they're involved in out, and after they've been involved. Some of the conversations have lead me to very insightful conclusions about men, especially after hearing this from one of them:

(regarding being physically attracted to a female)

"After a while you just say to yourself, 'go away bitch, you're annoying!' "

[13:45]

Plato's Republic. Goethe's Faust.

These will be a substitution for a real book for now...I just wished that these were a text file that I can download, I suppose saving the HTML files are just as good.

It would seem clear to me now, that I still can't bring myself to feel well. All I want to do is to put my head down, curl up in a ditch and die. I always feel like this when I spend the entire weekend at home. There's an air of tension and stress that drives me crazy, because it seems theres nothing I can do about it. Just now my mother had another convesation with me, and like always, the general conclusion/direction is that I should terminate one grand plan of mine or another. It's very defeating, after having figured out how to present a plan that will be accepted, gaining the approval and support that I seek, and to find out three days later that the idea has been condemned.

I think this is why I often choose to work for a cause and purpose aside from myself. The latter has proven to be a futile cause, to some extent. The other is a much better alternative. The down side is, it's beginning to hurt the fact that I have neglected myself on various occasions. I have narrowed down to this conclusion as part of the cause of my reccent troubles. And I'm terribly troubled by the fact that...I can't do much about this. Argh.

Hee...I think I'll get to like this Avery guy at the DX. Supervisor type person. This was his N/A message on ICQ:

you are not your bank account.

you are not your grande latte.

you are not your fucking khakis.

you are the same decaying matter as everything else.

[10:51]

Last night wasn't sleep. At least it didn't feel like sleep. I woke up in the same position that I fell asleep in, suggesting that I may not have moved at all in my bed. I think I need to question this perscription that's suppose to help me with my erratic sleeping patterns, if it shuts off my brain in order for me to rest, I'd much rather find myself sitting on my desk at 2:30am in the morning, looking out my window, or doing some work.

February 19, 2000 --- [23:33]

oh. god.

I feel a surge of rejunivation amongst the muck and pain I feel on my shoulders and inside my brain.

I finally heard from Carolyn, last I did was when she graduated last year. Quite missed her, and wondered what happened to her.

Carolyn, Meaghan and I had an odd experience in a parking lot. It was...fun? It was just a mini bitch fest, involving much physical and mental and verbal venting. I think we should get together and do that again.

There's a dusgusting amount of drugs in my body at the moment. Sleep will be my only escape.

Dead. Sleep.

[21:29]

I should be down at the CNE's Better Living Centre right now. Looking forward to Leonie Laws' performance, and a great party. Ah well...I'm sick as a dog anyway. Wouldn't have been able to go.

Anibal asked me for my mailing address today, he's going to New Orleans next week with Karin. Creeped me out, considering Ken's possibly considering a trip down there (or another city), and had asked me to accompany him. An omen?

He also sent me a clip of a stop motion movie he's shooting, it's a wynkin' devil! So cute!!!

February 18, 2000 --- [17:01]

Bittersweet is tomorrow night... and I would be going and having probably a great time, if I was less susceptible to the various forms of guilt. My only condolences may be that only Laws is going to be there, Roni Size and DJ Die won't be. I'm sure hearing how great it was from Alex will be just as good as the real thing. Yeup.

I was down at Ursola Franklin Secondary School for a school board event, regarding equity of opportunities for students. I won't bore you with the details. When I left, I was completely exhausted and slumbered onto the seat of the subway. The man sitting across from me suddenly asked me whether I was a student of University of Toronto. The story goes that he is and that he thought he's seen me there before. I cerntainly didn't feel very attractive today, after 4 hours of sleep and waking up at 6:20am. Makes me smile a little to think about it, because he was friendly. It was kind of creepy as well, even thou I switched routes to get to my final stop, he "happened" to be to going that way as well. Learned that he was a computer science major, second year.

It's so easy to romanticize about someone you hardly know. I suppose at the same rate, if you can romanticize about someone you know well enough, it's not particularly difficult either. I'm not sure what that experience proofs, and I'm not sure I care.

I feel sick. I didn't eat anything I don't think, even thou I brought it all back out pretty quickly. I'm not THAT stressed out with work at the moment, no one has damanged by ego...well, okay. But that isn't suppose to mke you physically sick. That only makes you go out and seek approval from people that you know will give it to you. So what the hell is causing this?!?! If I knew I can fix you, Body, do you understand?

February 17, 2000 --- [23:51]

Must watch: Raise the Red Lantern. It's an old film, but no doubt a classic. I saw it once a few years ago, when I was not so aged and jaded. It's on TV at the moment, and it's a renewed experience.

Lady in red is dancing with me, there's no one else here, its just you and me...

The reason I'm STILL determined to not download napster is that I download way too many MP3s. Recently (in the course of the past 6 months) I've been under much better control. It is, undeniably, the fastest way to find old songs that I like... argh. Which is more important, my discipline or my passion? And really, who is going to know?

[22:28]

Affectionately know as holy shit by Alexi. (I managed to convince him that I could see no vibrating browsers, and that he was delusional.)

This day entailed re/actions. (Action is what I do when I'm aware, reaction is a program I have in my spine that makes me do things based on sensory feedback.)

Action - hunt down one of my yearbook minions and harass them about the work they've been assigned.

Reaction - bump into one of my yearbook minions nad harass them about the work they've been assigned.

Action - Thinking about how to register the campers whenever I have some down time.

Reaction - Thinking about how to register the campers when a parent calls and wants to be registered.

Action - Harass only the people you know that looks awake and cheery.

Reaction - Harass anyone who looks vague familiar despite mood/temperament/etc.

Action - Actively avoid the gaze of even remotely good looking guys.

Reaction - returning every gaze.

I hope to go out and do something for even a few hours this weekend...if I have the time and motivation to think about it, I would.

Now boys and girls, will this be an action? Or a reaction?

February 16, 2000 --- [20:34]

Why can't I live with normal, rational, compassionate and understanding human beings?

Northview's launched their issue of RE:design, lots of flash. Haven't had time to look through all their content, but it looks pretty spiffy.

Someone once asked Albert Einstein a question: "If you could ask God one question, what would that question be?" The first time that he was asked, Einstein supposedly said that he would ask God how the universe began, because the rest was all math. But after some reflection, he said that he would ask God why the universe began, because then he'd know the meaning of his own life.

[18:08]

Singing out loud is the best therapy I could have.

Flipping through the Stratford festival program last night, I realized that there are tons of shows that I want to catch. I tend to limit myself to one to two shows per year, but this year...it's just amazing. I can't say no to good theatre. Elizabeth Rex, Titus, As you like it, Patience and Hamlet are the first ones that comes to mind... Elizabeth Rex has an affiliation with Paul Thompson, I wonder if its THE Paul Thompson... that would be such a treat.

The most unlikely Oscar Nomination. The red violin sound track had a nomination as well? They were two winters ago! I wonder what's been happening with Don McKellar.

The month is more than half over, and I've got a year book to finish. I find that I have a higher productivity level with machintosh computers. I don't want to start yet another debate, but it's true. Design and production belongs on a mac, word processing and e-mail storage belongs on a PC... The camp I run in the summer is also beginning to pick up speed. Did the first registration yesterday, and I have to send out flyers to the 200 people we have on our mailing list... WITHOUT a mail merging program. Yes, stamps, pens, and spit. There was something gratifying, however, seeing that I've got 50 envelopes stacked and stamped after an hour's work. I ended up going back for another hour of that later in the day. Mind numbing work is addiction.

February 15, 2000 --- [22:13]

Ken's on Saturn today. I thought I was delusional.

An odd observation I've made... Anibal, Ken, Patrick, all these people that I seem to be attached to all have the same kind of hands. And yesterday on Saturn.org, I saw Jack's hands and went, oh my god, he has them too!!! (No not the hands, that distinct shape!) I don't think this is going to motivate me to examine the structure of everyone's hand, but it can't be just a coinsidence.

Oh, so does Glenn Gould. (I'm serious!)

February 14, 2000 --- [23:18]

March 11?!?! You. Ass. (spoken like John Travolta, with gritting teeth)

[18:38]

*sigh*

I still remember last valentine's day, when I received yellow roses from Steve. Not red ones, which I'm sure he would've sent if I wasn't so reluctant to be involved at the time, but yellow, as a symbol of friendship. Good thing too, because it was easier to explain to my mother, since she was the one who collected it from my door.

It was a bit of a shock. For a full ten minutes I entertained the idea that maybe nothing has really happened. That it was all just a bad dream that I took a little too seriously.

February 13, 2000 --- [19:19]

*sigh* San Francisco is such a gorgeous city. Check out the photographs.

I struck gold! Bleagh. Except it's Sony's gold.

[18:29]

I walked by an accesories store about three times today, and everytime I went by the display, I paused to looked at a necklace and bracelet set. Comes to about a hundred dollars in total. I could probably use that money to get some other practical things like, photo paper and negative sleeves.

However, I was overwhelmed with an urge to make the purchase. As if putting that set on myself will make me more worthy and feel more adequate.

No purchase was made, in the end.

My brother rented Lord of the Rings, it was an animated movie. I couldn't resist and sat down with him for two hours. Is the new Lord of the Rings movie all three parts? Or just one of them?

February 12, 2000 --- [23:43]

WHACK.

I should be doing my philosophy and computers homework. Really, I should.

Obviously. I haven't been.

[20:01]

The one day I decide to go out everyone decides to call me. Not only that, my brother picks up all the calls, and by bad habits, doesn't take a message. Well, if it wasn't important enough for them to leave a mesage, I don't think I've missed much.

WildPixels' hault is most puzzling. Being my usual self I'm theorizing like heck, arriving at nothing more than more paranoia and speculations. I just haven't been very communicative to anyone as of late. Hell I haven't been very communicative to myself as of late. Just doing a lot of reading and playing and experimenting and sketching. The sleep thing was getting better (still terribly disturbing dreams, but at least I sleep through till morning once I fall alseep), but that waking up at extended intervals of time has returned.

Well, how else do you think I have all this time to read and sketch? Certainly not "free time".

"I stalk and I hunt. I creep and I steal. I fire my weapon at many people. I suck the very soul and essence of the people. I catalogue my captured trophies. I am a photographer."

Beautifully said. I don't think I have the constitution to manifest that statement. Not right now, not on my ownm and certainly not when I haven't done photography for over two years now. It'll take a lot of time and commitment to catch up.

[00:10]

Something happened to me. It seems that a lot is happening these days. Almost all the time. I just spent the past two hours writing this.

Going to be developing more content for the rest of the site. I guess that's just another way of calling my tasteful bitchings, if they're even that.

I think I'm going to work this piece for the contest.

February 11, 2000 --- [21:51]

Bitter about Bittersweet.

"You know Margaret, your happiness isn't a sin."

Yeah I know... I know...

[19:12]

I have to scout out some old underworld albums...and Beaucoup Fish. And something must be wrong with me if I don't pick up the Magnolia soundtrack.

Very wrong. (Aaaaaaandrew...)

I'm missing a Kubrick show at the Bloor of The Killing. I think Full Metal Jacket is in next month's program... Because I'm missing out on this month's feature, I WILL be in attendence next month.

""A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?" - Oscar Wilde

There's a sharp pain in the left ball of my foot. I suspect Patrick's pain in his right foot was the contageous sort.

[18:24]

Mmmm... P. T. Anderson...

Felt uncomfortably empty after today's two hour session with 20 teachers, teaching them how to make web pages. Had an urge to hid under a table pulling my kness up to my chin.

Then I got home and read an e-mail from Avery, student manager type person at the DX project (I still have to tell you about that don't I?). And flipped through a few pages in Seize The Night by Dean Zoontz. I was up on cloud nine for a while.

Then suddenly I realized that I still wanted to submit a piece of creative writing still to be written for a contest that's due early March.

*deflates*

February 10, 2000 --- [23:32]

Hmm...WildPixel's work got either cancelled, or delayed. My boss is having way too much fun at my expense. But no is no, is no.

A warning note to everyone: At this time of high stress, I really can't tell sarcasm from the truth. I tend to take bad news in, no matter how unprobable or unwanted. Maybe a good friend will come up to me, call me a liar and tell me that they hate me. I might wonder why he/she would think that, but I would believe them. This is the state of mind I've been in for the past two weeks. And this is a minial problem when compared to the grand scheme of things, I shouldn't be prioritizing my personal issues over other problems which involve many more people. "I" am not important. Now if I can only honestly believe in that, and not just trying to make believe that I do.

And Sunny. If you read this. Stop mailing me. My patience is growing shorter with every. unwanted. comment. Learn the meaning of the word, no.

This is your last warning.

[22:17]

Go Alex! =)

DX meeting was GREAT. Tell you all about it later. Right now, I'm trying to wip up a 2 hour curriculum to teach teachers how to make website.

It was one of those "by the way" things from Faria. "By the way, that web design for Professional Development day is a go. So I'll need you to make sure these teachers learn something." "Oooookay..."

I manage professional stress pretty well, but I wish my personal stress would just... go away.I can solve challenges at school and at work, there is always a solution that I can come up with. Personal issues just sit there and laugh at my incompetence. Which I admit to. Even though I think I just need to modify my thinking slightly...

February 9, 2000 --- [22:39]

Ella Fitzegerald and Louis Armstrong can make my day, any day. Mmmm...

"It's the way you wear your hat, the way you sing off key. The memory of all that, no no they can't take that away from me..."

[19:57]

Nothing is better than steak. Hogdog is better than nothing. Therefore, Hotdog is better than steak.

DX meeting tomorrow, bright and early in the morning. Planning to plan is what it is. I don't know what to expect or what is expected. This'll be interesting.

Looking over the stuff Ken gave me for the new site he's working on. As I try to put together a game plan together, I realized that I have never worked on a real commercial site before. Suddenly, scenerio exercises aren't just exercises anymore. Cool.

February 7, 2000 --- [21:39]

Jeepers! I just realized that my entire semester consists of courses that requires analytical and innovative thinking, and I have really good teachers who will be expected me to be putting in all my effort. last semester was something of a fluke. I'm taking OAC english, computers, and philosophy. All of which requires me to make use of the slush in my skull. I want my mental state to be relatively intacted by the end of this...perhaps going away for a week somewhere again this year will be a good idea.

Oh shut up. So was thinking about doing some serious classical training again with music. That just stirred up a whole new storm.

This unusual amount of ranting worries me a little. One of the psyches in my head obviously has been deprived of attention.

[20:25]

There are a few things I would like to put an end to by the end of this week. Feelings, dreams, hopes, and supposed joys. Everytime I fall, I fall a little deeper. Once bitten twice shy. I really don't need to set myself up for another lost battle. I hear someone trying to tell me maybe this time it won't be a loosing battle, there's a voice inside me that still wants to think it will work out some day. She dies a little everyday now. Sometimes I don't even hear her anymore. She's stubborn, just not very effective.

I feel like a moth. Throwing myself into a flickering flame and distinguishing it, and in the process bringing myself to my own ignorant end.

Thinking about it, there's no real difference. I've ceased to be important to myself. It's a matter of time before I'm consumed and spent. And I wish the process would just speed up a little and save me some pain. I'm afraid happiness is an illusion, and that it is merely the absence of pain. Or is it the other way around?

[18:33]

The psychology of music. Interesting read.

All of today Magnolia's songs were stuck in my head. "Number One" and "Save Me". Not sure if they're that's the right titles. Gotta let go Marge...gotta let go...

[17:11]

Aaaaaarrrrrrggh.

February 6, 2000 --- [23:07]

My thoughts for the day:

If you ever catch yourself saying to yourself, "I guess I should being this if I'm your daughter." or, "I guess I better help you since I'm your friend." and even, "I guess I'm suppose to do that because I'm your wife."

Get the hell out of there.

[0:01]

In memory of Steve. Friend. Confidant. Musician. Inspiration.

I miss him.

February 5, 2000 --- [11:01]

Blink.

I obviously wrote that a little too early or late in the day.

[00:28]

I'm glad I didn't see the first half of Conan when I was at the impressionable age of six.

Let me retrack. I saw Conan II when I was really little. It was on TV with chinese subtitles, I had no real understanding of the language, the scenes from the ice castle and cheesy costumes came right out of my vivid imagination. Not to mention I didn't have much of an appreciation for cinematography. Saw Conan the first movie from 1981, I loved it. Except...did he really have to had have explicit sex so much? If you cut and edit it the right way, it'll be like an experimental art film. Like Romance.

However, I did dig the scene when that woman turned into some monster during an orgasmic state. Something about that and being thrown into a fire cracked me up.

Maybe I just need to find some new friends. This old box just isn't doing the job... maybe a laptop... being involved while still free to be me....a G3 laptop.........mmmm........

February 4, 2000 --- [19:42]

I thought today was the night I was suppose to go see Kubrick's The Killing, and thought I had forgotten about it. I rush out of the house to my new years eve dinner, leaving a message for Jackie, and when I returned she told me it was actually just next week. THEN I get a call from Patrick telling me that I'm suppose to go to some party at Eero's place. Well, let's just say it was a little short noticed. Unlike Patrick, I don't go on 20 minute whims, I live by 20 day advanced notices. So now I'm putting together some new years food to share with all my fellow Cybers. And I'm so full I'm going to be sick.

Now I go.

[16:43]

Small kindness goes such a long way.

"Veal" is the title of my photography project.It came to me when I woke up at around 3:30am, and I couldn't fall back asleep. It's a little early for a title, considering...well, I really won't have to time to get down and dirty till probably after march break. However I'm going to try and put together some form of thesis till then. I'll put up a new section up in current projects. (And god I hate the structure of this site, if I looked at it long enough I think I must just simplify it. A lot.)

Today was the last day of exams and interview. It's also Chinese New Year tomorrow. So of course there are things to do and calls to make and general frollicing about. I will bitch about yearbook and camp responsibilities later. Suffice to say that I better have a good reason for working myself to death.

February 3, 2000 --- [23:03]

For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers.

[22:24]

*sigh of relief* She's okay.

[16:44]

That funny feeling in my stomach isn't going away. I recall feeling like this about four years ago, I was involved in a Robotics competition. For about a month all I ate was a small dinner. Never had breakfast, minimal or no lunch at all unless someone shoved food down my throat, and always this... void-like sensation in my guts. People thought I was starving myself, but I just really had no apetite. Food repelled me.

Body is generally sending me warning signals left and right. Perhaps I should pay some more attention to them. And take it easy for a little while.

"Margaret, are you going to take a break?"

*Without looking away from her desk* "Hmmm?"

"...nevermind."

*gulps down some more cold coffee*

NOTE TO SELF: Observe everything at least twice. Don't go flaundering off into happy land or hell's fire too quickly. Personal bias, no matter how settle, is ALWAYS at work.

February 2, 2000 --- [21:16]

Check Ken out. He's got more content up than I do in probably 1/5 of the time I've been spending on this chunk of space.

[20:19]

40 tylenols and a bottle of Vodka. She.

Small self-induced scars on his arm. He.

A blemish in the body and soul. She and I.

An almost lost loved one. He.

A lost loved one. I.

* * * *

After 40 tylenol, she's alive. I'm very glad she is. Enough under-currents go through me for me to know what it's like to keep things to yourself, but you've got to let someone know. She learned that the hard way. I think she's got her wits together, I just really really hope that she'll recover fully.

Talk about omens.

[16:47]

Do you have a spin?

I thought things were suppose to slow down a bit after exams are done, and unnecessary pains and agonies would dissipate. I guess I WAS asking for too much wasn't I?

February 1 , 2000 --- [18:56]

What we need is more of something good, not just less of something bad.

Most things, however, deteriorates beyond salvation before that is realized.