January 31, 2000 --- [17:33]

Death has been on my mind lately. Ever since a strange dream last night. I dreamt I was at my own funeral. Steve was there too. Patrick was wearing a smirk on his face all the time, Ken and Anibal were busy conversing with their significant other. No one I recognized.

Apparently Meaghan organized my funeral. The clothes I'd be wearing, the music, the flowers, you'd think she was setting up my wedding. Dax, from my recollection of him in pictures, was busy eating the foods.

Everyone...almost, came up and whispered to me in my coffin. They were all...confessing? That's the best word I can think of. Along the lines of, "Should've told you this when you were alive, but here it is anyway. RIP." I remember thinking, you expect me to be in PEACE after telling me that?!?! But of course, I was quite dead.

Then my mother came over, and shut the lid on me. And I woke up in a "nervous" state.

I'll ignore it for now.

That was the gist of it. Omitting details.

[15:21]

A sickly feeling remains in my gut.

These are the times when I wish I didn't exist. *sizzles off into a gaseous state*

January 30, 2000 --- [17:57]

Ack...don't consume coffee without food. I'm learning that lesson the hard way. You see how we are poisoned by our own stupidity?

January 29th, 2000--- [19:30]

After a week of 35 below weather, minus 5 is like a bliss, unfortunately I'm in no mood to go and take a walk. I've been locked up in my house all day, "studying" math.

Photography is going to kill my expenses next month. Why do I always engage in such expensive hobbies? Especially when I shouldn't have time for self-interest?

This psychedelic site reminded me of an acid trip. I spent about 20 minutes trying to figure it out (well at least it caught my attention for that long). And then I confirmed that the creators were indeed ravers. Like most raver products, it's the novelty. Someone will likely make me eat those words in the very near future, better now than later.

Note to self: Speaking of rave...bittersweet will be here soon. I haven't had time to revel in that happiness yet.

January 28, 2000 --- [18:55]

I've been offered free ball-room dancing lessons! (Dancing's one of those things that I started when I was really little, then my mother took over. "Two lessons later." Literally.) Now all I gotta do is go grab meself a partner.

Overheard: "But she likes it when I rub it in her face."

No I don't andrew. Don't lie.

January 27, 2000 --- [18:40]

Received a hello note from frood, whom I haven't seen or spoken to since the new years. *sigh* I feel loved.

I know, I know, it's sad. Feeding my karma off casual e-mails, but if you spend as much time in front of a computer as I do, you have to make some social adjustments. That or just make friends who don't use computers as much as you do.

Today was the last of the CyberARTS senior presentations. Despite all the bitter sweet memories, at least I smile at the thought.

(Who the hell am I kidding. They're never going to let me go at the rate that I'm working for them.)

January 26, 200 --- [22:41]

50 reasons why Return of the Jedi sucked.

During explosion scene with the droids in episode one: Why? Why was I programmed to feel pain?!?!

Curtesy of Patrick.

January 25, 2000 --- [22:15]

Comment: "I think you're cute, and good looking, and all sorts of other things, but that's my opinion, not necessarily that of the world."

Response: "Yeah? Well your opinion is that of the world to me. And that's my opinion, not necessarily that of the world."

[14:04]

Holy shit my eye was twitching a lot today. During the whole time while I sat and waited for my turn to present, my right eye-lid was twitching like crazy. Maybe it's all that suppressed anxiety manifesting itself.

It's been three hours now since I've presented, and it's still twitching.

Well, time to get my act together to prepare for the summer. I'm never going to be free am I? *tick tick*

I'm looking forward to next semester thou. Especially philosophy, and since I'm only taking 3 courses, I'll have some free time! Already arranged for me to have access to the darkroom next semester. TIme to go supply shopping.

I'm so happy/anxious/giddy I'm restless. I feel like a little kid again.

[00:17]

I could've been sleeping in my comfy bed wrapped in warmth. But hey, supposed this is making someone else's life easier. And if I may quote the general concensus, "You're nuts."

Everytime the topic of emotions come up, I get emotional. Not the wailing crying bawling kind, that's just being cracked out. It'll be like someone pulled all the levers to the 50% capacity, and all my energy is being drained away by some mysterious force. Chemical imblance? Likely. But not deadly.

The world seem generally too confused to really know what's going on, nevermind finding answers. There's too much to learn, and no one person holds knowledge to everything. Just about everyone who's tried have either gone "beyond" knowledge, or have just got plain nuts. That should be the first clue that we're doing something wrong.

Kinda like when an ant is stuck on the pavement, surrounded by puddles. As it scurries left and right and fore and fro, it begins to clue in that something's probably wrong.

But honestly. I generally have high hopes and deep faith in humanity. Because I'm part of it. Consider it an indirect vote of confidence for myself. Cuz you know, you have to be nuts to want to vote for me for anything.

January 23, 2000 --- [16:45]

This article made my day.

[14:42]

Truth. A reassuring notion which, in practice, is difficult to identify. The determination to establish truth often means that violence must be done to other people. - Saul

[01:38]

There's suppose to be a place where I won't jump at loud noises, where I won't have to try and keep a straight face to get through the day, where I can be true, without being afraid that I was wrong.

I was supposed to be there already. hmm....

*frown*

January 21, 2000 --- [20:41]

Was today the international day of surprise and people just happened to not tell me? Surprises in both the good sense and the bad sense of the word.

The good: Extra doses of affection and good spirit that was much needed. And someone brought in Breatbeat Era for me to listen in class. AND I was supplied kickass headphones. I got a lot of work done. Really.

The bad: We started a conics unit in math yesterday, and there's already a test next week. A unit test within a week of starting it?!?! That was when I decided to skip math. I'm sure you can see the logic in that.

January 20, 2000 --- [14:45]

Fashion is the lowest statement of ideology.

But it's a good start for some people.

[15:25]

There are things beyond materialism and money, it concerns me when a small council composed of high school student can't see beyond that.

"But we need the money."

"For what?"

"Well, to spend. Give it to the teams and clubs around the school, many of them has asked for money."

"Doesn't the SAC fee cover that?"

"Yeah, but we need more money."

If money could buy me time, maybe I'll let it drive me. Till then, I'll be my own devil thank you.

JANUARY 19, 2000 --- [19:23]

If you are ignorant of your incompetence, chances are you are more confident than those who are more competent than you.

Maybe I'm insecure, but second guessing myself is like a second nature. But it works! I mean, can you honestly say you'd much rather have your boss or friends or significant other second guessing you? You're your own worse critic. Anyone who can cut me down better than I can should take over my job.

Life's Dilemma #243: Limited lifetime guarantee.

JANUARY 16, 2000 --- [19:30]

It's never too late to appreciate:

"hey.. i've owed you for a while... i don't think any of my movies would have been the same without the music i got from you... (rather then asking about the visual work in my movies, most of the time the first question i get when showing my movies is "Where did you get the music?"...)"

Breatbeat Era is going to be at Bitter Sweet on February 19. Guess who's going to be there.

JANUARY 15, 2000 --- [20:16]

This news script thing for WildPixels is actually getting somewhere, and Perl is turning out to be not as difficult as I thought it was. Well, the concept of it anyway. Applying it, I'm sure, is a completely different kind of cheese.

I watched a docmentary by Adrienne Clarkson with Jesse Norman. I remember being at a concert of hers when I was 6 years old. I think she was singing "The Trout", because I remember reading a lot about some kind of fish in the program. That must've been my first concert experience. Strange I don't remember it well.

"Singer are different from other musicians, they have words. If you cannot convey that extra level of intellect to your audience, all you have is a pretty voice." - Jesse Norman

"The more precisely the position is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known in this instant, and vice versa." - Heisenberg, uncertainty paper, 1927

I must get a hold of a copy of this tape which is at the Toronto Reference Library.

Most people, when thinking about that comment, would probably all agree that knowing the momentum, the general direction of which something is travelling, is more important than details, like what it has to travel through exactly at an exact time.

So why are there still people who are so caught up in the conviction that being at a specific place in a specific time, will guarantee a future that they want? That unless you graduate from Harvard you haven't proved your intellect, unless you're rich you can't become an artist or a musician? These are also the same people who are frankly too detached to know what they're talking about, and they, in effect, discourage the minds who wants to focus on the momentum.

JANUARY 12, 2000 --- [12:52]

I had a really odd dream last night. I'm trying very hard to recount it, something that I'm usually good at. However, I didn't have the sense to realize it was a dream when I had woken up, and was dreaming up to the point where I was at school and realized: oh wait, isn't this...math?

This dream was strange for a very simple reason, it made me feel very disappointed and angry at someone whom I have the utmost respect and regard for. I remember thinking to myself while "dreaming" that I was brushing my teeth, "Hmm, I guess I won't be talking to him anymore."

Which is harder to decipher, the emotions that you experience from a dream, or the memory of events in the dream?

Someone slapped my thigh today to compliment my skirt. Is that a western custom that I'm not familiar with? (She ended up hurting herself by the way, clutching her hand in pain while verbalizing a compliment.)

And while I'm at this, I spoke too soon about life being good. Waaaay too soon.

[18:08]

Some more recollection on that dream, still don't remember what it was about, but there's a recollection of something that I was thinking about just before falling asleep: does money, fame, and success make people forget? I had a conversation once, with someone who was quite passionate in his idealism, but there was a fear in him that after he does gain the power and wealth to make a difference, he just might not care anymore. The dream was something like that, here someone was rejecting or demeaning me in some way. Blah. I can still feel the effects.

One last thing:

"How are you? You looked more relaxed today."

"Yeah? *sigh* Yeah."

"Forget boys. They're a mess."

At this point I grew wide eyes and between getting caught completely off guard and a laugh, "What's that got to do with anthing."

There's something about someone reading your mind that makes you feel confident. That someone else's thought of it too. I have spectacular friends, they never fail to enlighten me when I least expect it.

[21:05]

Here's an idea, a computer like lego that you can assemble yourself and disasembly. Everyone has a unique computer, because everyone assembles theirs differently. This idea could use some refinement.

JANUARY 11, 2000 --- [13:48]

Classes canceled in the afternoon, home early, go out late. Presentations are not next week, but the week after. My mother seems to be receptive to me studying arts management (seem is the key word here, let me tell you, women are very deceiving). Life is good to me still.

Today a few people asked me whether I was stressed out. Most people don't ask until they notice a sickly shade of colour cover my face. And yes, I am. Not really because of work, however. All that is just a matter of time management and organization. And when I really get down to it, I don't mind the work.

I mind the lack of personal time I have because of the work. Personal things needs tending. How can you meet other's needs when yours aren't?

This is fun. I'm an iNFp. Thanks Cam.

JANUARY 10, 2000 --- [21:57]

I found a coin today that was dated back in 1960. It's been a long time that I noticed the date on them.

I used to be obsessed with the idea of spare change. I wonder where it had traveled in the last four decades, what happened to the days when that was enough to get someone a nice piece of sweets. See if there are any intentional scratches on the surface, did it ever decide the fate of a friendly game of soccer, was it ever given to someone for luck...

The past is so colourful and so often forgotten. Some may see it as a weakness, of not being able to let go of the past. And maybe it is.

So I'm human. Sue me.

JANUARY 9, 2000 --- [22:52]

School resumes tomorrow.

I am not ready.

There's a deadline for 35 pages at the end of this month for yearbook, 2 presentations, following one another in the next two weeks. If it were any other high school presentation I wouldn't be so stressed, but it's one where it takes you 20 hours to prepare, and you have 20 minutes to present, and it's going to be 30% of your mark.

It bites.

But I am calm. I'm getting ready for bed settled as a kitten. If the world were to end right this minute, I wouldn't complain.

JANUARY 7, 2000 --- [14:23]

Mother's still sick, so instead of trying to go out and enjoy the rest of life has to offer during this holiday, I obediently stay home and put up with a grumpy mother.

I had a revelation about my family life. The love that goes around is based on knowing exactly what you're giving, and exactly what you're getting.

Unfulfilled expectations become unloving, and thoughtfulness outside your role's reign is condemned into oblivion.

I live with people that I tend to avoid eye contact with on the streets.

Life's strange twists I suppose?

JANUARY 6, 2000 --- [23:05]

I got a phone call today from someone. When I get a call from him, which is rare, we talk.

Like really talk.

When he called today, he didn't have anything to say, except that he was determined to change my life.

Starting with the last movement of Rachmaninoff's Second Concerto.